I Always Want To Be With You.

Dear God,

Thank you for bringing me back to my heart. It’s always good to be by Your side. I want to always hold Your hands because when I’m with You, I’m safe. When I’m with You, I’m able to live life with purpose. When I’m with you, I can breathe calmly. When I’m with You, I feel loved.

I’m recovering slowly by slowly. I’m growing. I’m changing. I’m evolving. Because that’s what you want me to do — to be better. And I will follow whatever path You want me to walk. I trust You. I believe in You, not only now, not only tomorrow, not only when I’m sad, not only when I’m happy, but always. I will keep believing in You.

I know there’s a lot to learn. I know there are more room for improvement. I know that sometimes my journey gets challenging. I know sometimes I will stumble and fall down. But I also know that You’re always there to help me back up. I know You’re always there to heal me with Your love.

I know You will never leave me no matter what, and I promise not to stray away from You again. I don’t know how I can live my life without You.

You are the only one I get my energy from. You are my inspiration when my hope is fading. You are a reminder for me to keep living for the ones who love me, for others, for the world.

You will always have my heart before others.

Amen.

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You Are Too Late

You are too late to come running back in my life after you left me without warning, and after I spent several nights tossing around my bed while I think of all the possible reasons why you walked away.

You are too late to apologize because there is no more us, after you abandoned me like it was no big deal. I was an idiot for wishing you would re-appear in my life — but you did not.

You are too late to say “please” because I have dried my tears out.

You are too late for a second chance because I have moved on.

You are too late to reply to the voice mails I sent you with begging questions as to why you ended our relationship without any explanation.

I was rooting for you to change your mind and tell me it was just a joke, a big prank, a part of your plan to surprise me on taking our relationship to the next level.

But I was wrong.

You were cruel.

You are too late to cry and kneel in front of me because I sobbed a greater amount of tears than you do; I spent more hours lying on the cold floor feeling miserable.

You are too late.

Stop pretending that you’re sorry when you can’t even look me in the eyes. Stop saying you understand me when you don’t even care to ask how much agitation you have caused me. Stop acting like I’m going to welcome you again in my life when it’s crystal clear that you have no more spot in my heart.

No. You are too late.

You can’t go back in my life and have me ruined twice. I can’t afford another pain. I don’t want to be lost in my own thoughts again all because of you. I can’t let you in anymore because honestly, I’m going to lose my mind if I will allow you to have the privilege of hurting me again.

You are too late to fix me because I have already saved myself. You weren’t there when I felt lonely and had no one to rely my destructive thoughts and feelings.

You are too late to comfort me because I have already convinced myself to be strong. You weren’t there when I had a shitty day and needed someone to soothe me.

You are too late to give me sunshine because I have already given myself rainbows after the stormy weather you brought in my life. You were the cause of my depression and triggered my anxiety.

How dare you assume I’m happy that you finally show up?

I am done depending my happiness on you.

I am done thinking you’re the only one who rescues me.

I am done sacrificing my schedule to suit your time.

I am done tidying the confusion you whirl in my mind

You are too late to love me again because I have nothing to offer to you anymore. You are too late to make me remember the feelings we used to have because I lost my special connections with you already. You are too late to miss me because when I look at you, I see a stranger rather than a person I have a longing for. You are too late to admit you’re guilty and you’re wrong because there’s no more us; we are done.

And it’s just too late rebuild the relationship that I no longer care anymore.

You Will Rise Up With Courage To Begin Again.

In the tippets corner of your memories lies the image of one person who made you feel as though you’re capable being loved in an incredible way that brings out the shiniest of your well-being. When you shut your eyes, all you could ever see is that sole reason why every living moment is so remarkable and each day that pass-by becomes montage ingrained in your soul. The series of treasured big adventures you spent as an inseparable tandem play in your head like your favorite love song on a warm summer season. Your grin from ear to ear makes you appear like a fool lost in the chaos of love poison.

Until you open your eyes and everything washes away. The attempt to try to make sense the faze that follow makes you question the reality you just awaken. Then your brain tells you the curtains have been called long time ago — he is gone.

In the tippets corner of your emotion stings the searing pain of relieving every single details of his face followed by inevitable river of tears that come rushing down your cheek. When you close your eyes again, all you could ever see is the hero you thought who’s gonna save your days but somehow turned into the villain that dimmed your brightness. All the false hopes he promised you and meaningless words he spoken play in your head like white noise on a dead-cold winter night. Your knees to the ground make you appear as if you’re on the end of your rope and there seems to be no one pulling you back up.

You give it all and you grow way too invested that when the subject of your adoration walks away, he took a part of you that nobody can substitute.

The time they told you to spend mending the wounds just made all the cuts deeper because the saddest truth is, he is still the person you imagine your future with. And you swear you wish you know how to quit him.

Maybe it will take hundreds of sad songs, repeated heartbreaking movie scenes, endless nights in bed wide awake wondering what’s not enough, unsent long hand written notes, attempt to move to a different city and switch jobs, handful of friends who’ve given up helping you to get better, couple of forced relationship trying to find him in them, and daily devotion to God to get over that person.

But sooner or later all these desperation will wither down and you will rise up with courage to open your heart and begin again. 

In another lifetime.

Remember the first time we met? It was like the world brought two strangers together who immediately clicked and became comfortable with each other once the conversation started. We talked about life, religion, and ambitions not considering the question that bugged us at the back of our minds about “Who the heck is this person sitting next to me?” We hit it right off the bat, topic after topic, skipping the old ways of introducing basic information about ourselves.

We exchanged contact details just like any universe-arranged situation. Then we stalked each other out on social media; eager to know every single thing that made out our lives. I decided you were not a psychopath so I agreed to hang out with you. We went on to dinners and see beautiful places all the while pretending they weren’t a date. You showed me the best of you and made huge efforts to bring smile on my lips. No one has ever done those kinds of wonderful gestures to me before so I felt like those were the most magical moments of my life. You didn’t want a relationship and you were just happy with what we had. We argued and fought somehow over tiny or irrelevant issues but we managed to make peace immediately afterwards.

We were in the right path of building whatever relationship we were heading into, until the universe intervened and took back everything it gave us. We were separated by something we could not control.

I would never forget the way you held my hands on the train the way you knew it would be the last. I broke down as soon as the doors closed and the train accelerated forward. That was the last time I saw you. That was the saddest part of my life. I am still crying as I write this.

Months passed by and our distance away from each other slowly made us strangers – again.

I wish you know I still care about you. There are parts of my days when I think about you, how you’re doing, if you’ve completely moved on. I wonder if you look at the sky at night, see the moon, and remember me when I was sizing it by my thumb. I ask myself if you miss me the same way I miss you. I wanted to know if you have ever loved me too.

I don’t understand why the universe would give me something I would eventually lose.

In another lifetime, the stars would align accurately in our favor. We would still go out on our free time and figure things out by now. I would change religion for you and I’d make you so proud. You would meet my mom finally after all these times I said “not yet.” You would have proven to my best friend that you are the right person for me. We would excel on our careers and have dinner at the end of the day to celebrate. You would be more open about your feelings and ask me to be in a relationship.

In another lifetime, the universe would not throw sick humor against us. I would not need to shed some tears and wonder how things could have been. I would no longer miss you and think if you love me.

In another lifetime, we would still be together and I would be the same person with a smile on his lips.

The guy who grew a brave heart.

Remember the last time I wrote about you? I thought it would be the last. My friends were with me to back me up. I had all the support in the world. I was willing to move on with my life without you in it. But then, it only took one chat from you and everything began again.

 

You were like a tragic book that made me cry a little. I stopped reading you and stacked you in the bookshelf, never to touch again, because I just couldn’t go through the ending anymore. However my heart wanted to know how it’d feel like to progress in the story. So I went on and I did fairly enjoy the thrill. My guard was up, constantly waiting for the right time when you’re going to rip me apart again. It didn’t come so soon. I set a date when it should come. You decided it still wouldn’t — I was glad. And then one day you surprised me, without any prior notice, you crushed my heart and dropped it without hesitations.

 

I was floored. In fact, I lied awake up until 4 am in the morning deciding whether I should pop up some sleeping pills. I forced myself to sleep, told myself, “Fuck this, I’m too used to this.” But then it haunted me. I shouldn’t have gone through your Facebook profile at that point so I could have postponed the found-truth that you deleted me. I felt like I lost mainly because growing up, I always wanted to be the one leaving and not the other way around. You won the game and it did upset me horribly because I didn’t expect you’d be willing to play that dirty. I guess I wasn’t always right about people.

 

Two days before that we had the most fun of whatever relationship we had. I was ready to tell you my goodbye and I was okay about that. You promised me it wasn’t a goodbye yet, there would be one more. What I didn’t understand was that why did you have to remove me completely from your life? Sure I was aware I said something stupid in the day that followed but weren’t we clear about the fact that we’d still keep in touch no matter what?

 

It’s not in my discretion to tell what people they should do. And so be it. You opened the door and had your way out. I was ghosted. I didn’t know what it meant before until now. I’d still stick to the plan to use our experiences together in the book I’d write in the future. Unlike you, I’d fulfill my promise to cherish and remember the memories we shared. It was the closest thing I had in romance Azam. I wished I could have told you that.

 

I wasn’t the guy who went home crying with a broken heart anymore. Instead, I am the guy who grew a brave heart. The guy who can easily differentiate between what love is and what love is not. The guy who knows exactly how he should be treated and what his heart deserves. And most importantly, the guy who learns his best lesson in a painful way.

 

I guess I can start over now, wake up tomorrow and set my mind in a different perspective. The question about why I let you continue to be part of my life after the second meet-up is something I’ll try to find an answer to. But I’m trying to be okay now. Soon, I know I will totally be. There are so many better things that will come along in my way and you can’t be part of me by the time I’ll get to experience them. So it’s me saying goodbye after all.

Roller coaster

When you thought it’s over and done but something shifted and the continue button has been pressed. Somehow all is getting pretty well but chaos is a friend and once again you thought it will end. It’s a wild ride of an emotional roller coaster. You can’t help but love it and be miserable at the same time. 

It’s like a fire that burns so bright it’s captivating. Then you’re the firefly that goes round and round, careful not to get close, however curiosity takes the better part of your mind, so you shrug and take risk. 

That’s how the story goes for most part. You’re quite psyched to reach the top, put your hands in the air, and scream as the speed takes your breathe away. The fall will take your energy. You’ll feel tired and convince yourself it’s going to be the last. But as the rail keeps moving, of course you wanted more. You’re greedy like that. 

It’s a cycle. It goes up and down, round and round. Eventually, you know it’s gonna end real soon. You see it coming. You could feel it in your bones. There’s no denying. Maybe nothing lasts forever. You’re petrified because damn! How could you survive when it’s the only fire you surround to? 

Then you’ll feel scared, frightened even, by facing the hard truth. The fire will burn out and the feelings will not be as strong as it used to before. You will move on, try to find a different fire, but the memories will remain the same. Because how can you forget such special fire that gives you a one of a kind roller coaster ride? 

The guy who recognized love and jumped, then went home crying with a broken heart.

I woke up at 6 am today on my day off when I’m supposed to be sleeping up until I get a little close to recovering the hours of sleep I didn’t get during weekdays. I took a shower because I was dead tired last night and couldn’t move a muscle to get off the bed just to at least wash my feet. I scrolled for few minutes at Facebook just to get inspiration then visited thought catalog to read something I could relate into. Spoiler alert: one post was what I felt like written specially for me. Then when I thought I’m ready to write again, here I am, ready to bleed while punching the alphabets. 

With foggy brain, somewhat blurred slurs, and incoherent thought on an early weekend, here is what exactly I want to say:

I knew the caution the minute it all began; the risk that I was willing to take again after so many months of living under spell of saving myself. I got into troubles and I was always the one picking myself up that eventually once in a while I low-key asked a Higher power for an extra bonus to keep me going. Then someone came, I thought my prayers were granted. Okay maybe in a way, but not at all.

He wanted the both of us to be honest with each other, and that’s what I appreciated more about him. At least we didn’t have to go through the fuss of trying to figure out where the road is heading and if it is even the right road to begin with. Without sugar coating and long explanation before the verdict, he told me we can only be just friends. I wished I could give him standing ovation for the courage and candor he laid on the table early in the game. 

He is a religious guy who has a tight relationship with Allah and who I know is gonna go far in life because he has a big heart of gold for having a genuine intention to help those who are unfortunate. He is a nice guy who tries his best to understand something different he didn’t normally encounter while growing up or doesn’t deal with on a daily basis. He makes so much sense once he starts speaking about anything that matters and a humor that makes me smile from ear to ear. 

But I was never 100 % honest with him. When he asked me whether I’m expecting something more from him, I lied and told him no in a heartbeat. I even countered, “He’s not my type” to which he responded with, “He will never be.” The effect was numb in the first few hours that would let on until the pain would pour slowly in series afterwards. 

I don’t know if he noticed but I was staring at him in the bus while going home because all along in my mind I was thinking, “Just in case this is the last time I’d see him, I want to look at him closely, freeze this moment, and remember him this way forever.” I was trying so hard not to well up and release any drop of tears because that would cause a slight scene. I know he doesn’t believe in movie moments but for me it’s the part of a film that’s gray and sad. 

Those long walks on the beach in the early night while we talk about life in general, our ambitions, future, religion, and all the deep thoughts that have been stashed in corners of our brains. Those late afternoon sitting on a bench in front of these amazing big buildings laughing occasionally on the jokes that come out of our mouths. Those train rides we’re goofing at each other or the silence when we’re separated by seat. Those last moments in the bus before we finally say goodbye. Those text messages that are going to stay permanently in my inbox. Those are the moments that whatever happens, I know I will always remember forever. Those are the times that when I look back in the future, I will have nothing but smile. 

The tears that I was holding back before I left the bus came out easily as I started walking. I am the guy who recognized love and jumped then went home crying with a broken heart. Surely, it wasn’t love that I recognized but I risked to jump then have my heart broken in the end. It wasn’t him. There was nothing he did wrong. It was me, once again, who took the wrong leap and had so much faith in myself. I blamed me for being so tired of saving myself all the time when I just wanted someone else to do the job. I blamed me for being so lonely sometimes when I just wanted someone to talk to who would understand what’s in my head. I blamed me for being so defeated on my lowest point in my life when I just wanted someone to lift me up. I blamed me for being so determined to dig my own grave when I just wanted someone to stop me and help me get out of the trouble. 

A week ago when I told a friend that I’m scared I’d never find someone like him, she went nuts. Immediately she rushed into this standard format advice about how I’m so young and I will find someone else who might actually be better than him so why am I restricting myself under that mentality? Only now on 8:03 am while the sun is rising that I realize she’s absolutely true. I think we’d always have that experience in our lives when we meet someone who was never ours. It’s easy to stay at the end of our ropes and settle under the thought that we’re screwed and can’t figure out what to do next, but we have to dust ourself off and just what like Michelle Obama said, “Pick yourself up and keep moving through the pain.” 

I’m only 22 and there’s a long way to go. It’s gonna take quite sometime to heal but I know I need to have my hopes back that I’m near to finding the right guy.