Everything Is Actually Okay

I finished reading a book tonight. The moment I got to the last sentence; memories came flooding in my mind – not from some scenes in the book but from a special place in my past. I was being brought back to a certain, important moment of my life.

I zoned out and when I closed my eyes, my feet were once again touching the carpeted floors and I could see the four-lane streets below the building. I immediately felt all the blood inside of me running wildly. I could convince myself that it was real but I knew better that when I opened my eyes – I would be reminded of where I am.

It was so different back then and it seemed – to me – like it was all just a dream. I know I should probably stop writing about what happened to me over one year ago, but I don’t know, I just feel like that part of my life was so important to forget and bury somewhere. It was a huge turning point in my story and I am one hundred percent positive that I wouldn’t have some great lessons to share and tell the world if it weren’t for all the pain, heartache, and lost love that I experienced.

At 21, I was pretty much lost. Maybe I had an idea of who I was but I didn’t know what I wanted for myself. I was so confused about everything in my life and along the way, I forgot who I was. As I look back, I think that the biggest factor why I couldn’t recognize myself anymore was that I spent a lot of time with people and almost no time for myself. I became a combination of those I surrounded myself with and somehow my identity vanished out of thin air.

I was deprived of the chance to be in my own head for a really long time, away from the influence and opinions of others.

But maybe it was also because I was so young and inexperienced and completely oblivious about how the world works, how real life works.

Some nights like right now, I could scream and admit to the world that yes, I regret the decisions that I made. But a tiny part of me wanted to stand strong for the beliefs and principles that pushed me to say goodbye to everyone and everything that made me feel unhappy.

There are a lot of things that I am thankful to have in my life right now because of the changes that I embraced, and it will be unfair to hate myself and wish I could go back and do things differently. This is my reality now and even though I am disheartened about some parts of it, I know that at the moment – I have no choice but be okay with it

I am learning to be careful with the people that I put in my life. And I am brave enough to walk away from anyone who drags me down, slows the process of my growth, and doesn’t care about the person that I am becoming.

At 23, I am more concerned about building myself and developing the skills and talents that I have. I want to be successful in the later part of my 20s and be more successful in my early 30s. Sometimes I forget that I am literally young and I have decades ahead of me to meet the people who are going to be my best-friends.

Besides, there are thousands of strangers all across the globe right now who appreciate me and love what I am doing. I get a lot of messages from different people who express their gratitude for the articles that I am putting out there. I am inspiring thousands of people every week and that is a million times better than having people in real life who take me for granted.

Internet has been a better place for me because that’s where I meet different writers from the other side of the world that I consider best-friends. It just sucks that I can’t hang-out with them, but I’m still grateful to have them in my life.

I get love from people online and in a strange way, I feel like I belong in the communities that we are creating virtually.

In conclusion, I believe that I am stuck at where I am at this very second because this is where I am meant to be for the meantime. I just need to grab the opportunities that are being thrown in my way to make myself busy. There are tons of activities that can make me truly happy and satisfied. I think I need to stop overthinking my situation and remind myself about the fact that I literally have no time.

Social media has taken my life by storm and it’s getting most of my time nowadays. But I am not complaining, because I love every part of it.

People on the internet need someone like me more. And that statement alone should be a big reminder that I am actually going places.

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This Is How You Remind Me What Truly Matters

Dear God,

You really have a strange way of making me understand my life, my journey. You don’t want me to think that the choices I’ve made are purposeless. You want me to see everything clearly, find reasons, know the answers to my whys.

I’ve stumbled upon this website called: instant street viewer. I’ve known it before, used it before. Whenever I’m missing a certain place, I’ll just visit the site and type the address of where I want to be.

I chose the place I lived for 8 months. I didn’t exactly know why. I just felt like I wanted to revisit it, and made myself feel like I was there again. I picked the part where I’d go down from a bus stop and walk home. It was so funny that I still knew every single direction to my apartment. It’s as if I could navigate my way even when my eyes closed.

The feeling was all TOO familiar, as I passed through the street using the cursor, instead of my feet. Immediately, a sense of longing and nostalgic poured inside of me. Everything felt so near, yet far so away. I remember all the details that I saw. I can’t believe that part of my life ended abruptly.

I used to walk on those streets every day of my life, and… it was disheartening how I took those moments for granted, not knowing that one day they’d soon end. I wonder how many times I walked on the same cul-de-sac, how many times I smelled that distinct odor, how many times my heart fluttered as the wind brushed my hair.

I remember how lucky I was to be living somewhere different.

But then, when I was on my halfway through my old apartment, I realize how the park in front of me reminded me so much of how young I was at that time.

I remember how stupid, and ignorant, and emotional, and weak I was. I remember all the reasons why I should not look back. I rolled my eyes and contemplated whether I should close the screen. But then a part of me wanted to finish what I already started. So I pushed through.

10 minutes to the building. I saw the grocery store where I bought my snacks on late afternoons. I saw the car shop — I used to think how amazing it would be to work there, because my place was close to it. I saw the spot where I dropped my phone. Everything was still fresh in my mind. It was only less than a year of me living there, yet I couldn’t forget all those memories that I experienced.

I tilted the screen to look up at the sky. This was the part when I said I wanted to go home. This was the part when I was so crushed on the inside and nobody knew or understood why. Nobody wanted to know or care. This was the part that I asked You why.

5 minutes to the building. Those establishment I saw on both sides of the street were old (this website wasn’t updated). I saw men in their traditional dresses. They used to frighten me in the beginning. But they made me realize that the world is actually a safe place.

I was below the building that I lived. I couldn’t go inside. Guess they left that part for privacy reasons. I looked around. Turned around and round. Checked the sky. The street. I was here. I used to live here. I’ve made lots of choices. LOTS.

I admit I missed everything. Ugh. Too much emotion. It was getting hard to explain.

I moved on to the main street where I rode a bus to get to work. Again, I knew the direction by heart. I saw the big grocery mall I went into — even at 11 pm. That was such a fun experience — midnight grocery shopping. Think I should write about that one day. That was such a movie moment experience.

A long stretch of road. I saw the bench I sat on a late summer afternoon. My body was sweating and I was unable to cry because I was SO dehydrated. (Middle East problem)

I saw the city mall. Again, I missed it.

I’ve had enough. It was too much time, too much memories, too much looking back.

Towards the end of it, I felt okay. I have learned that my emotions are confusing me a lot of times, especially during this age. I wanted one thing and then hated it. I left one place and wanted to go back again. I admit that sometimes, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I want to be.

I’m hot and cold. I’m young and impulsive.

But I guess that’s what You want me to learn.  You want me to learn how to control my emotions. And maybe one day I will. I’ll just have to give myself time.

Some days I missed the cities that I left. But as I closed the window on my computer, I knew in my heart that I was happy with the final decisions I made. I’m happy with where I am. I’m happy to be with the people that I love, and who love me.

I get confused once in a while, but I think that, what You’re wanting me to learn is — knowing exactly what’s really important to me.

And ultimately, this is what is important to me.

Amen.