What’s new with loneliness?

17 December 2011

 In this four corner of the room, as silence is the only sound you can here, loneliness seems to be unavoidable. I can’t see other option but to let it come in and enjoy the pain. I know this is the moment that I should be crying in a low tone and drown myself with tears. On the contrary, I can’t even recognize if I’m sad since emotions are all mixed up. Maybe I feel numb, or a robot. Am I a robot? Am I created just to work and not to love? — Oh well.

Seriously, why no one gets attracted to me? Why I always fail from attempting to grab a romantic relationship? Why I always fall to the wrong one? I know I’m weird and awkward sometimes, but I don’t see it as a valid reason why no one says he likes me and mean it. Seventeen years, can you just imagine how long I have been waiting for the guy who’d give the fairytale that I deserve. Isn’t unfair that I’m the only one who gets to fall deeply and still haven’t received even an accountable or sufficient amount of love in return? I have received countless and unforseeable scars from being such a big idiot. And yes I’m still not used to it though I know I should and I still don’t get exhausted about it.

I know I’m gay and that I get attracted to the same gender. So what’s the point? That basically I should stop thinking for an answer with my condition because even a question seems to be the closest answer to all of my doubt? Yes it’s true, partly. Partly because I know that a straight guy can fall in love with me as well. As long as he finds me a good one to settle down with. After all, it’s love and you can never tell.

I have to admit that I’m scared when a time comes that all my friends have founded their other half and obviously I’m the only one who hasn’t. Like a man who has left by all the natives in an abandoned island. Given a chance, if someone would barter a life with me. I’d humbly suggest not to continue his/her purpose. I don’t want to let anybody else experience the extreme loneliness that I feel occassionally. Nobody deserves this. It just so happens that this is something that I have to deal with for the rest of my whole life. It’s a good thing that I get to master and be professional in this.

So what’s new with loneliness? It always starts somewhere in four corner of the room and surprisingly it has already in front of you. Then you are blinded with options so you let it come to you and enjoy the lingering sweet taste of pain. 

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The day I feel worthless

20 November 2011

 I don’t know what else to do in my life. I feel like worthless. This is the point of time in which I feel everyday is the same and repeating. Everything is plain. Although there are some moments that bring smile in my face, however, those gradually fade away. I know I have goals to look at, the irony is, I’m too uninspired to live with my goals and make those a part of my reality. I have to admit that I’m in the state of thinking as to end my life or just live with this temporary phase.

Right now, all the emotions seem to hold me back. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to blame myself, I want to beat myself constantly until there is no blood that would circulate. But I just can’t. Because I live in the world where emotions are in no place to be expressed. Affection is indirectly shown. Dramas are supposed to be hidden. It slowly kills me. I just need someone to talk to, someone who can understand me, someone who is willing to listen patiently. 

I have to acknowledge whoever has said “No man is an island.” — he’s right. No matter how many times you remind yourself that you don’t need somebody else, that you can live your life independently — all of it break away at the end of the day. The walls that you have effortlessly built would unfortunately fall down.

To resolute this, I need to find myself again. I’ve been suffocated lately. I need to inhale good air and remind myself what I really want to do in my life because I’ve been walking half asleep lately. In fact, I only see one direction of the road and the picture seems vague. I believe I truly deserve the happiness and contentment I’m always pointing. 

Looking back, I miss the old me who uses to laugh like forever, who uses to be so cheerful the whole time, who uses to have a company to stay with, who uses to be in a conversations that seem not to end. I grow old and tired and now I feel like aged. Not so good attitudes come out. I’m awkward, I don’t sometimes start a communication or I don’t want to see people specially at the worst peek of my life. I’m obnoxious, I hate a lot, I dislike for too much, my facial expression is uncontrollable and it shows what I really want to say even though there are no words that spill out anymore, I say mean things, I am very truthful even though I know it hurts others.

Maybe all I need is someone who accepts me for who I am, who would be my light to see a whole new world of ambition, who’d bring me back to life, who’d say that life is worthit, who’d give me a reason that each day is exciting and not repeating, that every morning is fresh and not the same, who’d say that everything varies, who’d be the reason why I’m smiling and give me a guarantee that it lasts forever, who’d be my inspiration to live with my goals and make it a part of my reality.

Jobs I want to do before I die.

I would forever be grateful if God extends my life for 200 years. I want to do a lot of things in my life but I guess my lack of concern in my health would probably cause contradictions with my hope. Furthermore, here are the list of things I want to work on during my life:

1. I want to be a world traveler. If there is something that I’m desperately wanting to happen in my life, it is to see a lot of wonderful places that God has created. In the same way that I want to experience how to be in a place I’ve never gone yet. Also, I want to feel and witness different cultures, marvel different languages, and internalized different forms of philosophy. I want to taste unfamiliar foods, because they say that the secret of pleasure can be achieve into something unusual. In short, I want to try all the adventure that travelling has to offer.I swear I’d be the happiest version of myself if I get a chance to see the whole world. I know it’s highly expensive to put this dream in reality, however, I believe that there is nothing expensive in something you really want.

2. I want to be a Myx VJ. Actually, I’m planning to audition next summer and surely it will be my first time to join at a television show, just in case I have the guts to showcase my talent in front of the camera. Well I know I can do it. Besides, I want also to give myself a shot working inside showbusiness even for a while. Basically, I’m not asking for a long time stay at Myx. 3 months for me is already enough.

3. I want to be a model. This is somewhat too far from reality, I know. Because first, I am too lazy to work on my body. Second, I am not fond of exercising. Third, I don’t like to have abs because I don’t think I can maintain it. All in all, I have no muscular physique. On the other hand, I’m a little confident that I have enough wonderful looks to use in my amateur photo shoots Although I have not entered formal modeling school yet, I know for sure that I have a very good relationship with cameras. Also, I am tall, which is the basic requirement for a model. I have a pleasant skin color. No matter how impossible it may seems, I still want to be a model.

I regret nothing

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I’m a teenager. I don’t regret staying late almost every night because I know that all the stories my friends and I have discussed are as precious as gems. I don’t regret spending too much money on foods because those pay me back so well in the first place. I don’t regret screaming across the street in the middle of the night while walking with my friends because it gives me an unconventional happiness I have never felt before. I don’t regret being infatuated to every single person I find interesting, because at least it gives me a sensation of butterflies.

Truly, I waste time, I become unproductive or dysfunctional, I laugh hard, I give love as much as I can, and this is the life I know, though it seems like I live it damn imperfectly. On the other hand, in effect of all these, I can see myself struggling from sleepless night, I mess up at school because I’m occasionally unprepared, I lose appetite. This is how I experience the carefree kind of life.

I’m a teenager. For once, I want to feel it, to hold it, and never let go of it. I want to throw my books for a while and chat with my friend endlessly. I want to try, at least, not to listen at class and stare at nothing because I’m sleepy. I am certain that after all the mess I have produced, I can fix everything and get myself back in life. Maybe it happens that I’m just overly exhausted of making sure that my life is always falling in right places. That’s why here I am, trying to run my life at its worst. As what everyone says: life is too short, time flies too fast, and I am only given one opportunity to be a teenager, to be in a world of growing up. So why should I refuse this once in a lifetime event? I’m a teenager and this is the time that I feel perfectly infinite. So I regret nothing.