On My Way Home

When I look at the moon,
I no longer see the one I don’t have.
I no longer wish that someone is by my side.
When I look at the moon,
I see God.
I see the One who strengthens me.

He calls to me.
On my darkest time.
He calls to me.
To let go.
Let go of my brokenness
Let go of my pain
Let go of everything.

He speaks to my heart.
And tells me
“What have you worked hard for
That I didn’t give?”
He speaks to my heart
And I cried
Because I’m overwhelmed
I cried
God is great.

He calls to me
To find my way back home
To come to Him
And let Him lead my way
As always.

3 February 2017| Friday| 10:01 pm


You Are Too Late

You are too late to come running back in my life after you left me without warning, and after I spent several nights tossing around my bed while I think of all the possible reasons why you walked away.

You are too late to apologize because there is no more us, after you abandoned me like it was no big deal. I was an idiot for wishing you would re-appear in my life — but you did not.

You are too late to say “please” because I have dried my tears out.

You are too late for a second chance because I have moved on.

You are too late to reply to the voice mails I sent you with begging questions as to why you ended our relationship without any explanation.

I was rooting for you to change your mind and tell me it was just a joke, a big prank, a part of your plan to surprise me on taking our relationship to the next level.

But I was wrong.

You were cruel.

You are too late to cry and kneel in front of me because I sobbed a greater amount of tears than you do; I spent more hours lying on the cold floor feeling miserable.

You are too late.

Stop pretending that you’re sorry when you can’t even look me in the eyes. Stop saying you understand me when you don’t even care to ask how much agitation you have caused me. Stop acting like I’m going to welcome you again in my life when it’s crystal clear that you have no more spot in my heart.

No. You are too late.

You can’t go back in my life and have me ruined twice. I can’t afford another pain. I don’t want to be lost in my own thoughts again all because of you. I can’t let you in anymore because honestly, I’m going to lose my mind if I will allow you to have the privilege of hurting me again.

You are too late to fix me because I have already saved myself. You weren’t there when I felt lonely and had no one to rely my destructive thoughts and feelings.

You are too late to comfort me because I have already convinced myself to be strong. You weren’t there when I had a shitty day and needed someone to soothe me.

You are too late to give me sunshine because I have already given myself rainbows after the stormy weather you brought in my life. You were the cause of my depression and triggered my anxiety.

How dare you assume I’m happy that you finally show up?

I am done depending my happiness on you.

I am done thinking you’re the only one who rescues me.

I am done sacrificing my schedule to suit your time.

I am done tidying the confusion you whirl in my mind

You are too late to love me again because I have nothing to offer to you anymore. You are too late to make me remember the feelings we used to have because I lost my special connections with you already. You are too late to miss me because when I look at you, I see a stranger rather than a person I have a longing for. You are too late to admit you’re guilty and you’re wrong because there’s no more us; we are done.

And it’s just too late rebuild the relationship that I no longer care anymore.

You Are Always Ready To Be Found

In your twenty-something years of existing in this world, maybe you come up with this one conclusion: “Life is an endless cycle.”

Life can be amazing for two weeks, or even two months, or in just two seconds, then you blink your eyes for one moment, and everything falls apart. Not at once but in series of order, like a domino you try so hard to arrange only to collapse eventually. The good thing is, yes; there’s going to be a light at the end of the tunnel, or a rainbow after the storm — whatever you want to call it. The bad news is, it’s only temporary because every disastrous feeling that you can discern of is just in the corner, itching for its chance to get on your way again.

There are going to be golden hours in your life that will make you so damn thankful to be alive, to be able to experience success, to know the real meaning of happiness. There are going to be monumental events in your life when you achieve something you work hard for, finally meet your dream guy or girl, make your parents very proud of you, and discover the motivation in your passion. In these days of your life, you can tuck yourself in bed at night and have that tight smile automatically attached to your lips; you can be on your feet the next day as soon as the first melody of your alarm chimes in, and be excited to see another day. 

But it takes only one element of your life to crumble down for you to believe that life turns its back on you.

There are going to be sad situations in your life that will make you feel frustrated, drive you crazy, brew hatred in your chest, and begin to lose hope. There are going to be days when you sit at work and feel empty on the inside, engage in loud arguments with someone you’re in a relationship with that end your relationship together, turn down your friends’ invitations because you’re too sad to hang out with them, and abandon the skills that suit well for you. These are the moments when you’re completely lost and wonder why you are still here, these are the times when you’re barely holding yourself intact, and these are the difficult parts of your life when you become suddenly confused about your purpose. 

See, life is going to be hard for you; maybe even let you convince that it’s unfair. But sooner you will have your redemption too because that is how life works — a big, limitless roller coaster ride.

This is what the years in your twenties are for; to discover who you are and re-discover when something doesn’t fit you, to be wrong and keep trying to be right, to fall in love and grow out of it then search for another one, to allow yourself to cry when you feel defeated but also let yourself smile more, to adrift into scary territory and learn to navigate your way out of it, to realize that life sucks, but you have to give it another shot.

You’re just a lost person, but you’re not the only one, and you’re always ready to be found.

You’re going to be nearly drowned for hundreds of times and can’t seem to swim your way above water, but you have to keep pushing, swim harder with diligence, paddle your path to the safe zone, as long as you still have that breathe you can hold on to.  Life is going to be great, and then it turns bad, but it becomes better again until you get used to it. But one day you’re going to have a thorough understanding and mastery of this sporadically gut-wrenching cycle of life.

As for now, relish the trip in finding yourself. It can be confusing sometimes, but know that you’re the person who’s so sturdy at getting through these hard times. You have survived over two decades, what’s holding you back to believe that you can’t survive more?

30 Things To Do When You Feel Lonely On Weekends

  1. Do a Facebook live on Friday night so you can avoid entertaining the thought that nobody has invited you to hang out with them. Write in your video description, “Ask me with your best shot.” even though no one actually watches you.
  2. Clean your room for the love of the universe. Make your space be a legit living and breathing headquarters.
  3. Invite your friends, whom you haven’t seen in over a year, over to your house. You will be surprised to discover that friendships remain the same despite the distance and time.
  4. Tell your parents you’re still alive and no need to worry about you spending the weekends at your apartment.
  5. Buy 1 liter of ice cream and finish it in one sitting. Panic about gaining weight later.
  6. Make the TV you bought 6 months ago useful by channel surfing in your couch upside down, and realize how weird you are.
  7. Get wasted on Saturday night, advisably by yourself.
  8. Get a paper and list down all your exes in your drunken state just to check if alcohol can still make you remember.
  9. Message them on Facebook about the pros and cons of breaking up with you.
  10. Follow up a text the next day that says, “Lol. Was super drunk last night. Kindly ignore the previous message.”
  11. Find a plastic bag and suffocate yourself for being stupid.
  12. Sleep late, wake up late, because why not? It’s weekend.
  13. Watch “The Intern” and ponder if biking around the office can really make you a great employee.
  14. Avoid scrolling too much on Facebook because it’s depressing to see how many people are actually enjoying their weekends outside their homes.
  15. Hand-wash your handkerchiefs to test if you can survive washing clothes manually when there are going to be electricity shortages in the future.
  16. Play the instructional games that are written and drawn behind your cereal boxes just because you feel bored and run out of other things to do.
  17. Talk to yourself and pretend you’re being interviewed by Ellen. Oh, and don’t forget to practice your pretentious laugh.
  18. Pick up a book you throw away weeks ago then try to finish reading it.
  19. Close the book after 1 chapter and remember why you threw it away in the first place.
  20. Re-build your Linked in profile and pretend like you have your life sorted out at twenty-something.
  21. Look up for airfare ticket costs online and schedule a vacation itinerary.
  22. Check your bank savings, cancel your travel bookings, and announce, “Haha. Just kidding.”
  23. Anxiously think about retirement even if it’s still 40 years away.
  24. Wonder if your boss is impressed by you.
  25. Reflect about your life while sipping a tea in your small kitchen.
  26. Roll your eyes for being too sentimental and decide to write something about life instead.
  27. Look at yourself in the mirror after you take a bath and scream, “Damn! Why are you still single?”
  28. Challenge yourself to memorize Ed Sheeran’s new song in 10 minutes.
  29. Google yourself to find out the level of your infamousness.
  30. Call for a pizza hut delivery complete meal for 2, then eat alone in your bed on Sunday night, and never feel guilty but giddy about it.

You can be my dream guy

It’s okay if you are not the one who shows up at my front door with cape pins on both of your shoulders, or the guy I envision who lives in a mansion and drives expensively polished cars, or the person who has a fancy 9-5 job at Wall Street. Nope, You don’t have to live up to my fantasy. But you can be your reality.

You are going to make extensive research about me on social media to find out all my interests, favorites, and hobbies so you can align them with mine and make me ultimately happy.

You are going to change lane in the unconventional way and work hard in earning my friends and parents approval, because loving me also involves loving the people that are close to my heart.

You are never going to force me to do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. In fact, You are patient and willing to wait for the perfect timing when I’m ready to open up completely, to commit, and to love wholeheartedly.

You might not be the typical class valedictorian, or the type of classmate who has been granted scholarship, or the student leader who’s delivered so many speeches. You’re not book smart, but you’re strategic in life. You can find ways how to earn decent money for you, for me, for our future. And sometimes, that’s enough proof for being a responsible guy.

And although you admit that you can be a bit of a cliché for skating and surfing on your spare time, but that doesn’t mean you’re up to look for troubles. TV has painted guys like you quite badly. You have a heart of gold too; you care about everyone’s emotion, and have rapport to those who are less fortunate.

You won’t look the other way but to me only. And you will understand that this is a little bit hard for me to believe after all the tragic love story I’ve been through, but I will give you a little time to prove your loyalty, and you will make sure that I won’t regret a single minute choosing you for the rest of my life.

You cannot guarantee me a perfect relationship, yet you can assure you that no day will end without you apologizing for any of your wrongdoings or understanding me for being on my worst mood.

You can be the guy who’s going to make me feel safe and sound, more so protect me at all cost. It is your responsibility to make sure I reach home without even a scratch on my skin, or no one gets to disrespect me when I walk along the streets after work, or be the one who guards me on subway stations at midnight.

I can count on you that you’re going to make it to every Sunday masses I attend, or prayer services I participate, or a meditation hour of the day I perform because you, too, have faith on Someone who’s bigger than all of us, Someone who promises us an afterlife, Someone I can’t physically touch but can feel the presence.

You can be my number one fan in all that I achieve, my avid supporter in every goal I set my mind into, my best friend who stays by my side on the days I feel low, and my lover who lands kisses on my cheeks when you I soothing. A guy like you can cheer me up and won’t feel ashamed for doing so.

We can stargaze at night and name our own constellations. We can watch movie adaptation premieres of your favorite books. We can walk at a grocery store late at night and grab a litter of ice cream to satisfy our sweet cravings. We can cuddle in your living room and watch TV all day. We can backpack through Southeast Asia or experience a European trail or frighten ourselves as we cross the country of Australia or watch a soccer tournament in Brazil. Then we can go back home and settle down, get married, have kids, and argue whether white picket fence is still a thing or not. We can have a lifetime of companionship together.

You can be your dream guy, not a leading character out of a movie, but someone that’s a scarcity nowadays. You can be your dream guy, not a Disney prince, but someone who won’t be the reason for the holes in your heart. You can be your dream guy, not a cover boy from a magazine, but someone who’s going to still melt my heart up to my white hair days. You can be your dream guy, who looks like a bad boy sometimes to others; who appears to be an ordinary guy that doesn’t immediately stand out in a crowded area; who doesn’t have thousands of followers on social media; but someone who will always look at me as if I am the best gift you have ever won.


This Is Why Your Relationship Didn’t Work Out

It’s not about the qualities that you didn’t have or something that you didn’t give to that person. Give yourself a break from moping around all day, staring at your ceiling late at night, and blaming yourself for why the connection between you and that person ended. Maybe it wasn’t you who’s wrong but the relationship itself.

For all the times that you suffered from that messy break up, what were the odds that he felt the same level of pain? You wish you could say the odds were the same.

You have hurt yourself bad enough that it became so unfair already.

Wake up.

Your relationship didn’t work out because when he was so damn intoxicated and lonely, all it took was only a minute of reply from you but when you needed a shoulder to cry on, he couldn’t be there.

It didn’t work out because when he moved his knees close to yours in a crowded room and challenged you in a staring contest, you lost because you saw your fears in his eyes, and he celebrated as if defeating you was gold for him.

It didn’t work out because when you both crashed on the same bed after an awesome night, you woke up with no one by your side — without a note, without a text message, not even a goodbye kiss.

It didn’t work out because he cared more about his bro than you, when he offered him the passenger seat and asked you to take the back seat.

It didn’t work out because you liked blue but he loved red. And he wanted you to choose his way.

It didn’t work out because when you called him on the hour that you needed someone to listen to you about how stressed you were at work or life in general, he sighed and told you that he was tired.

It didn’t work out because when he finally realized that you weren’t the cut-out cover girl he was expecting you to be, he automatically went cold.

It didn’t work out because he cringed every time you talk about your romantic excitement for Nicholas Sparks novels or your passion for arts or your desire to write him love letters or your advocacy to help the children who were victims of war conflicts or your dream of changing the world.

It didn’t work out because when he was certainly sure that you put your heart and trust in him, he started feeding you lies and sent you mixed signals about his loyalty.

It didn’t work out because when he caught a tear that fell out of your eyes, he yelled at you for being overly-dramatic and told you to keep yourself together because you were embarrassing him.

It didn’t work out because when he verbally and physically abused you, you let it pass, but it happened again after a week then after a month — and he didn’t feel sorry about it, not even a little, not even at all.

You could be downhearted for losing a love story that was so raw and so honest even if it was clearly wrong on its face value, because playing with fire ignited your coal. But there should be a certain point where you have to stop, because getting flamed isn’t worth the burns anymore. You could give yourself a hundred more reasons why it didn’t work out but you could also give yourself one reason why you should move on.

Your relationship didn’t work out because God is preparing you for someone who could treat you better and could be the epitome of a one true love. And by then everything would work just fine.

Let God be your guide in 2017

When you’re confused about which degree you should be pursuing in college or which university suits best for you in 2017, ask God to give you wisdom. Sit in one place where you can find peace and calmness then listen to Him through your heart. You can reach Him with your silence. He already knows your doubts and all it takes is for you to talk to Him and let him lead you to His way — to the path that He is aiming for you to take.

God only wants the best for all of us even if sometimes we are having a rough time understanding His plans.

When you’re frightened to apply for a job you’re dreaming to achieve in 2017 because your mind tells you you’re not ready yet, pray to God that He gives you strength. Let Him take care all your fears of failures and rejections. God recognizes your hopes and wishes before you even utter them to Him. He knows exactly what gives you reason to live another day and what burns the fuel in your soul. So go ahead and click that submit button or forward that resume to the HR department and trust that God will do the rest.

When you’re so lost and can’t figure out your goals in 2017, open a Bible and read it. You will be surprised at how enlightening it can be to your morale and how uplifting it is to your already dripping spirit. Let the life of Jesus inspire you to help people who have no means of returning the favor you gave them. Let Jesus heal you through His words and testaments to everyone He met on His journey here on earth. Let Christ’s forgiveness be a motivation for you to forgive yourself and forgive others too.

Sometimes it takes all your willpower to turn a single page of a Bible into the next, but allow God to help you learn your purpose in life.

Let God guide you to the uncertainties you will be undertaking in 2017 and leave to Him everything that you have no power of controlling. Open your 2017 big with God by your side and face the New Year with your arms wide open. Be confident with the love that He has for all of us and know that He will not leave us for the dark times that we will be experiencing in 2017.

I hope that in 2017 you can find a new set of dreams to hope for, a new person you can fall in love with, and strangers you can consider as lifetime best-friends. I wish that this year, you can finish your degree proudly after so many years of struggle. I wish that you can be happy again after going through a messy divorce or a bad break-up. I wish that you can finally go after what you really want after all these times of holding back. I pray that in 2017 you can find the voice that’s going to inspire people and touch so many hearts. I pray that God will make you even stronger, compassionate, fearless, and loving human being that the world needs more of in 2017.

Be positive that 2017 is going to the best year of your life and trust God with all His promises, because He will never betray you.