I Always Want To Be With You.

Dear God,

Thank you for bringing me back to my heart. It’s always good to be by Your side. I want to always hold Your hands because when I’m with You, I’m safe. When I’m with You, I’m able to live life with purpose. When I’m with you, I can breathe calmly. When I’m with You, I feel loved.

I’m recovering slowly by slowly. I’m growing. I’m changing. I’m evolving. Because that’s what you want me to do — to be better. And I will follow whatever path You want me to walk. I trust You. I believe in You, not only now, not only tomorrow, not only when I’m sad, not only when I’m happy, but always. I will keep believing in You.

I know there’s a lot to learn. I know there are more room for improvement. I know that sometimes my journey gets challenging. I know sometimes I will stumble and fall down. But I also know that You’re always there to help me back up. I know You’re always there to heal me with Your love.

I know You will never leave me no matter what, and I promise not to stray away from You again. I don’t know how I can live my life without You.

You are the only one I get my energy from. You are my inspiration when my hope is fading. You are a reminder for me to keep living for the ones who love me, for others, for the world.

You will always have my heart before others.

Amen.

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After All These Times, You Still Save Me.

Dear God,

It has been one of the longest weeks of my life. I’ve been broken, crushed, and hurt. I’ve spent one night crying my heart out. I’ve spent one afternoon feeling disappointed. I’ve spent one morning being just sad.

I have strayed away from your grip. I have tested the water, to know if I’m strong, to know if I can make it, to know if I’m capable to be on my own. But the truth is, I realize that I am not as good as I think I am.

I say the wrong thing, I commit a mistake, I fall down, I fail, I cry, I regret. And I am imperfect. I can’t stand alone on my own two feet. I still need You. I need Your guidance, I need Your light, I need You love.

I am not as good as I think I am. I have prided myself with the things that I achieved in the past, forgetting it’s You who put me to where I am right now. I have lost the humility — and I don’t like it. I don’t like to be overconfident. I don’t like to be arrogant. I don’t like to be so sure about everything.

I am not as good as I think I am. I have repeated this to myself like a mantra. Not to bring me down, but to remind myself that I am just exactly like everyone. I’m no different than them. I have my moments of ups and downs. And I think that’s okay.

I am not as good as I think I am. I have fears. I have worries. I have anxiety. I feel pressured. I feel humiliated. I feel terrible. I am imperfect.

And I ask you God, to wash away my sins. I want to come back to You. I want to be beside You, holding Your hand, knowing that I am safe with Your loving heart.

Please take my broken heart and heal it. Please cleanse my soul. Please sooth my troubled mind.

Because I need You, I truly do.

Amen.

I Am Forever Yours, Only Yours.

Thank you God,

For allowing me to see this beautiful sunset.

For making my heart warm

As I watch the sky turns from orange to a dark hue of blue.

 

You know exactly that this is one of the things

That gives me comfort.

 

Thank you God,

For always making me feel like I’m home.

I’ve been through so much darkness

At this very young age.

But You’re there

To give light to my way.

 

You’re there to make me realize

That you have better plans for me.

You’re always there to remind me

That I am exactly where I need to be.

 

Thank you God

For all the conversations we have,

For speaking through my heart,

For guiding me to the right path.

 

Thank you God

For helping me to see the beauty in present,

For guiding me to live my life

Not one step backwards

Neither one step forward,

And to simply be happy.

 

I can’t physically feel You wipe my tears,

But I know that you wash them away

With Your love.

 

And that is why I’m never going to stop thanking You.

On My Way Home

When I look at the moon,
I no longer see the one I don’t have.
I no longer wish that someone is by my side.
When I look at the moon,
I see God.
I see the One who strengthens me.

He calls to me.
On my darkest time.
He calls to me.
To let go.
Let go of my brokenness
Let go of my pain
Let go of everything.

He speaks to my heart.
And tells me
“What have you worked hard for
That I didn’t give?”
He speaks to my heart
And I cried
Because I’m overwhelmed
I cried
God is great.

He calls to me
To find my way back home
To come to Him
And let Him lead my way
As always.

3 February 2017| Friday| 10:01 pm

You Are Too Late

You are too late to come running back in my life after you left me without warning, and after I spent several nights tossing around my bed while I think of all the possible reasons why you walked away.

You are too late to apologize because there is no more us, after you abandoned me like it was no big deal. I was an idiot for wishing you would re-appear in my life — but you did not.

You are too late to say “please” because I have dried my tears out.

You are too late for a second chance because I have moved on.

You are too late to reply to the voice mails I sent you with begging questions as to why you ended our relationship without any explanation.

I was rooting for you to change your mind and tell me it was just a joke, a big prank, a part of your plan to surprise me on taking our relationship to the next level.

But I was wrong.

You were cruel.

You are too late to cry and kneel in front of me because I sobbed a greater amount of tears than you do; I spent more hours lying on the cold floor feeling miserable.

You are too late.

Stop pretending that you’re sorry when you can’t even look me in the eyes. Stop saying you understand me when you don’t even care to ask how much agitation you have caused me. Stop acting like I’m going to welcome you again in my life when it’s crystal clear that you have no more spot in my heart.

No. You are too late.

You can’t go back in my life and have me ruined twice. I can’t afford another pain. I don’t want to be lost in my own thoughts again all because of you. I can’t let you in anymore because honestly, I’m going to lose my mind if I will allow you to have the privilege of hurting me again.

You are too late to fix me because I have already saved myself. You weren’t there when I felt lonely and had no one to rely my destructive thoughts and feelings.

You are too late to comfort me because I have already convinced myself to be strong. You weren’t there when I had a shitty day and needed someone to soothe me.

You are too late to give me sunshine because I have already given myself rainbows after the stormy weather you brought in my life. You were the cause of my depression and triggered my anxiety.

How dare you assume I’m happy that you finally show up?

I am done depending my happiness on you.

I am done thinking you’re the only one who rescues me.

I am done sacrificing my schedule to suit your time.

I am done tidying the confusion you whirl in my mind

You are too late to love me again because I have nothing to offer to you anymore. You are too late to make me remember the feelings we used to have because I lost my special connections with you already. You are too late to miss me because when I look at you, I see a stranger rather than a person I have a longing for. You are too late to admit you’re guilty and you’re wrong because there’s no more us; we are done.

And it’s just too late rebuild the relationship that I no longer care anymore.

You Are Always Ready To Be Found

In your twenty-something years of existing in this world, maybe you come up with this one conclusion: “Life is an endless cycle.”

Life can be amazing for two weeks, or even two months, or in just two seconds, then you blink your eyes for one moment, and everything falls apart. Not at once but in series of order, like a domino you try so hard to arrange only to collapse eventually. The good thing is, yes; there’s going to be a light at the end of the tunnel, or a rainbow after the storm — whatever you want to call it. The bad news is, it’s only temporary because every disastrous feeling that you can discern of is just in the corner, itching for its chance to get on your way again.

There are going to be golden hours in your life that will make you so damn thankful to be alive, to be able to experience success, to know the real meaning of happiness. There are going to be monumental events in your life when you achieve something you work hard for, finally meet your dream guy or girl, make your parents very proud of you, and discover the motivation in your passion. In these days of your life, you can tuck yourself in bed at night and have that tight smile automatically attached to your lips; you can be on your feet the next day as soon as the first melody of your alarm chimes in, and be excited to see another day. 

But it takes only one element of your life to crumble down for you to believe that life turns its back on you.

There are going to be sad situations in your life that will make you feel frustrated, drive you crazy, brew hatred in your chest, and begin to lose hope. There are going to be days when you sit at work and feel empty on the inside, engage in loud arguments with someone you’re in a relationship with that end your relationship together, turn down your friends’ invitations because you’re too sad to hang out with them, and abandon the skills that suit well for you. These are the moments when you’re completely lost and wonder why you are still here, these are the times when you’re barely holding yourself intact, and these are the difficult parts of your life when you become suddenly confused about your purpose. 

See, life is going to be hard for you; maybe even let you convince that it’s unfair. But sooner you will have your redemption too because that is how life works — a big, limitless roller coaster ride.

This is what the years in your twenties are for; to discover who you are and re-discover when something doesn’t fit you, to be wrong and keep trying to be right, to fall in love and grow out of it then search for another one, to allow yourself to cry when you feel defeated but also let yourself smile more, to adrift into scary territory and learn to navigate your way out of it, to realize that life sucks, but you have to give it another shot.

You’re just a lost person, but you’re not the only one, and you’re always ready to be found.

You’re going to be nearly drowned for hundreds of times and can’t seem to swim your way above water, but you have to keep pushing, swim harder with diligence, paddle your path to the safe zone, as long as you still have that breathe you can hold on to.  Life is going to be great, and then it turns bad, but it becomes better again until you get used to it. But one day you’re going to have a thorough understanding and mastery of this sporadically gut-wrenching cycle of life.

As for now, relish the trip in finding yourself. It can be confusing sometimes, but know that you’re the person who’s so sturdy at getting through these hard times. You have survived over two decades, what’s holding you back to believe that you can’t survive more?

30 Things To Do When You Feel Lonely On Weekends

  1. Do a Facebook live on Friday night so you can avoid entertaining the thought that nobody has invited you to hang out with them. Write in your video description, “Ask me with your best shot.” even though no one actually watches you.
  2. Clean your room for the love of the universe. Make your space be a legit living and breathing headquarters.
  3. Invite your friends, whom you haven’t seen in over a year, over to your house. You will be surprised to discover that friendships remain the same despite the distance and time.
  4. Tell your parents you’re still alive and no need to worry about you spending the weekends at your apartment.
  5. Buy 1 liter of ice cream and finish it in one sitting. Panic about gaining weight later.
  6. Make the TV you bought 6 months ago useful by channel surfing in your couch upside down, and realize how weird you are.
  7. Get wasted on Saturday night, advisably by yourself.
  8. Get a paper and list down all your exes in your drunken state just to check if alcohol can still make you remember.
  9. Message them on Facebook about the pros and cons of breaking up with you.
  10. Follow up a text the next day that says, “Lol. Was super drunk last night. Kindly ignore the previous message.”
  11. Find a plastic bag and suffocate yourself for being stupid.
  12. Sleep late, wake up late, because why not? It’s weekend.
  13. Watch “The Intern” and ponder if biking around the office can really make you a great employee.
  14. Avoid scrolling too much on Facebook because it’s depressing to see how many people are actually enjoying their weekends outside their homes.
  15. Hand-wash your handkerchiefs to test if you can survive washing clothes manually when there are going to be electricity shortages in the future.
  16. Play the instructional games that are written and drawn behind your cereal boxes just because you feel bored and run out of other things to do.
  17. Talk to yourself and pretend you’re being interviewed by Ellen. Oh, and don’t forget to practice your pretentious laugh.
  18. Pick up a book you throw away weeks ago then try to finish reading it.
  19. Close the book after 1 chapter and remember why you threw it away in the first place.
  20. Re-build your Linked in profile and pretend like you have your life sorted out at twenty-something.
  21. Look up for airfare ticket costs online and schedule a vacation itinerary.
  22. Check your bank savings, cancel your travel bookings, and announce, “Haha. Just kidding.”
  23. Anxiously think about retirement even if it’s still 40 years away.
  24. Wonder if your boss is impressed by you.
  25. Reflect about your life while sipping a tea in your small kitchen.
  26. Roll your eyes for being too sentimental and decide to write something about life instead.
  27. Look at yourself in the mirror after you take a bath and scream, “Damn! Why are you still single?”
  28. Challenge yourself to memorize Ed Sheeran’s new song in 10 minutes.
  29. Google yourself to find out the level of your infamousness.
  30. Call for a pizza hut delivery complete meal for 2, then eat alone in your bed on Sunday night, and never feel guilty but giddy about it.