You Are Too Late

You are too late to come running back in my life after you left me without warning, and after I spent several nights tossing around my bed while I think of all the possible reasons why you walked away.

You are too late to apologize because there is no more us, after you abandoned me like it was no big deal. I was an idiot for wishing you would re-appear in my life — but you did not.

You are too late to say “please” because I have dried my tears out.

You are too late for a second chance because I have moved on.

You are too late to reply to the voice mails I sent you with begging questions as to why you ended our relationship without any explanation.

I was rooting for you to change your mind and tell me it was just a joke, a big prank, a part of your plan to surprise me on taking our relationship to the next level.

But I was wrong.

You were cruel.

You are too late to cry and kneel in front of me because I sobbed a greater amount of tears than you do; I spent more hours lying on the cold floor feeling miserable.

You are too late.

Stop pretending that you’re sorry when you can’t even look me in the eyes. Stop saying you understand me when you don’t even care to ask how much agitation you have caused me. Stop acting like I’m going to welcome you again in my life when it’s crystal clear that you have no more spot in my heart.

No. You are too late.

You can’t go back in my life and have me ruined twice. I can’t afford another pain. I don’t want to be lost in my own thoughts again all because of you. I can’t let you in anymore because honestly, I’m going to lose my mind if I will allow you to have the privilege of hurting me again.

You are too late to fix me because I have already saved myself. You weren’t there when I felt lonely and had no one to rely my destructive thoughts and feelings.

You are too late to comfort me because I have already convinced myself to be strong. You weren’t there when I had a shitty day and needed someone to soothe me.

You are too late to give me sunshine because I have already given myself rainbows after the stormy weather you brought in my life. You were the cause of my depression and triggered my anxiety.

How dare you assume I’m happy that you finally show up?

I am done depending my happiness on you.

I am done thinking you’re the only one who rescues me.

I am done sacrificing my schedule to suit your time.

I am done tidying the confusion you whirl in my mind

You are too late to love me again because I have nothing to offer to you anymore. You are too late to make me remember the feelings we used to have because I lost my special connections with you already. You are too late to miss me because when I look at you, I see a stranger rather than a person I have a longing for. You are too late to admit you’re guilty and you’re wrong because there’s no more us; we are done.

And it’s just too late rebuild the relationship that I no longer care anymore.

Someone like you is the reason why I have trust issues. 

See, this is what I hate about opening up to somebody. When I’m comfortable and certain that I can trust a guy, I will give him all my heart and my entire trust. I will place them in his hands. I am that kind of person. I am determined to give it all once he has proven to me that he’s worth the risk. But once he closes his hands and destroys them in just a second when it took me days to hand them to him, that’s when I fucking get really crushed and upset.

See, this is why I have a damn trust issue! Like I don’t understand why some people see enjoyment in taking me for granted. Isn’t so hard to fucking understand that I don’t give my trust easily because I guard myself too much? Like I don’t understand why some people would be so willing to work hard to earn my heart and then decide against it once they know that I’ve given it to them. Isn’t it crystal clear that the challenge I dare them to undertake is for them to understand that they should not waste the chance I gave them?

See, this is why humanity is fucked up. This is why I’m always going to fall back to flirting and say no to comitting. This is why I’m better off alone. This is why I want you to leave me the fuck alone. 

See, I don’t want you to come over me if you’re just going to end up feeling unsure about me. I am not like your TV! I can always disappoint you once you get to know me. I have been broken before, so many times, and I still carry the damage with me sometimes. No amount of gold seams can repair some cracks in my soul. And if you can’t candle that then get the fuck away from me. Leave me alone. 

See, now I’m embarassed for changing my Facebook status to dating only to end up becoming single again after 12 hours. I don’t know how am I going to save my face for that. It’s all your fault and all your stupidity. So if you’re thinking that I will run after you just because you’re confident I’ve handed you myself, you’re fucking wrong. I am not anyone’s goat. That’s one thing you forgot to ask about me. So voila you dickwad. You are the reason why I have a fucking trust issues. 

For the person who will not be you

i wanted to write you love songs, thousands of unspoken words i failed to deliver in your presence.
all these feelings i wish to mold into a glorious craft.
but you didn’t deserve them.
no you didn’t.

when you said my voice was the melody you wanted to hear first in the morning.
you lied.
when you said my eyes were the stars you wanted to see last at night.
you lied.

you fizzled my glimmer of hope for fairytales and happy endings.
you burned down the bridge i was building all along for both of us.
you destroyed me in ways i couldn’t repair myself.

no amount of apologies can scour the agony you shepherd in my life.

so shoutout to all the acts that aid you to fool me,
i learned to trust my gut.
so shoutout to all the time i felt lonely by your side,
i learned to love myself.

one day i will peel the metal i protected my heart with.
for the person who’ll handle it with caution.
for the person who’ll fix the disarray in my soul.
for the person who’ll hold my hands when i’m scared.
for the person who’ll laugh with me on romantic movie endings and cry with me on tragic movie endings.
for the person who’ll share earphones with me on train rides.
for the person who’ll stay with me at 2 am through sleepy slur conversations about life.
for the person i’ll write songs about.
for the person who’ll not be you.

i might be someone who recognized love and jumped then went home crying with a broken heart.
but one day.
i will be someone who will grow a brave soul and a clever mind then go home celebrating with a light heart.

In another lifetime.

Remember the first time we met? It was like the world brought two strangers together who immediately clicked and became comfortable with each other once the conversation started. We talked about life, religion, and ambitions not considering the question that bugged us at the back of our minds about “Who the heck is this person sitting next to me?” We hit it right off the bat, topic after topic, skipping the old ways of introducing basic information about ourselves.

We exchanged contact details just like any universe-arranged situation. Then we stalked each other out on social media; eager to know every single thing that made out our lives. I decided you were not a psychopath so I agreed to hang out with you. We went on to dinners and see beautiful places all the while pretending they weren’t a date. You showed me the best of you and made huge efforts to bring smile on my lips. No one has ever done those kinds of wonderful gestures to me before so I felt like those were the most magical moments of my life. You didn’t want a relationship and you were just happy with what we had. We argued and fought somehow over tiny or irrelevant issues but we managed to make peace immediately afterwards.

We were in the right path of building whatever relationship we were heading into, until the universe intervened and took back everything it gave us. We were separated by something we could not control.

I would never forget the way you held my hands on the train the way you knew it would be the last. I broke down as soon as the doors closed and the train accelerated forward. That was the last time I saw you. That was the saddest part of my life. I am still crying as I write this.

Months passed by and our distance away from each other slowly made us strangers – again.

I wish you know I still care about you. There are parts of my days when I think about you, how you’re doing, if you’ve completely moved on. I wonder if you look at the sky at night, see the moon, and remember me when I was sizing it by my thumb. I ask myself if you miss me the same way I miss you. I wanted to know if you have ever loved me too.

I don’t understand why the universe would give me something I would eventually lose.

In another lifetime, the stars would align accurately in our favor. We would still go out on our free time and figure things out by now. I would change religion for you and I’d make you so proud. You would meet my mom finally after all these times I said “not yet.” You would have proven to my best friend that you are the right person for me. We would excel on our careers and have dinner at the end of the day to celebrate. You would be more open about your feelings and ask me to be in a relationship.

In another lifetime, the universe would not throw sick humor against us. I would not need to shed some tears and wonder how things could have been. I would no longer miss you and think if you love me.

In another lifetime, we would still be together and I would be the same person with a smile on his lips.

Roller coaster

When you thought it’s over and done but something shifted and the continue button has been pressed. Somehow all is getting pretty well but chaos is a friend and once again you thought it will end. It’s a wild ride of an emotional roller coaster. You can’t help but love it and be miserable at the same time. 

It’s like a fire that burns so bright it’s captivating. Then you’re the firefly that goes round and round, careful not to get close, however curiosity takes the better part of your mind, so you shrug and take risk. 

That’s how the story goes for most part. You’re quite psyched to reach the top, put your hands in the air, and scream as the speed takes your breathe away. The fall will take your energy. You’ll feel tired and convince yourself it’s going to be the last. But as the rail keeps moving, of course you wanted more. You’re greedy like that. 

It’s a cycle. It goes up and down, round and round. Eventually, you know it’s gonna end real soon. You see it coming. You could feel it in your bones. There’s no denying. Maybe nothing lasts forever. You’re petrified because damn! How could you survive when it’s the only fire you surround to? 

Then you’ll feel scared, frightened even, by facing the hard truth. The fire will burn out and the feelings will not be as strong as it used to before. You will move on, try to find a different fire, but the memories will remain the same. Because how can you forget such special fire that gives you a one of a kind roller coaster ride? 

The guy who recognized love and jumped, then went home crying with a broken heart.

I woke up at 6 am today on my day off when I’m supposed to be sleeping up until I get a little close to recovering the hours of sleep I didn’t get during weekdays. I took a shower because I was dead tired last night and couldn’t move a muscle to get off the bed just to at least wash my feet. I scrolled for few minutes at Facebook just to get inspiration then visited thought catalog to read something I could relate into. Spoiler alert: one post was what I felt like written specially for me. Then when I thought I’m ready to write again, here I am, ready to bleed while punching the alphabets. 

With foggy brain, somewhat blurred slurs, and incoherent thought on an early weekend, here is what exactly I want to say:

I knew the caution the minute it all began; the risk that I was willing to take again after so many months of living under spell of saving myself. I got into troubles and I was always the one picking myself up that eventually once in a while I low-key asked a Higher power for an extra bonus to keep me going. Then someone came, I thought my prayers were granted. Okay maybe in a way, but not at all.

He wanted the both of us to be honest with each other, and that’s what I appreciated more about him. At least we didn’t have to go through the fuss of trying to figure out where the road is heading and if it is even the right road to begin with. Without sugar coating and long explanation before the verdict, he told me we can only be just friends. I wished I could give him standing ovation for the courage and candor he laid on the table early in the game. 

He is a religious guy who has a tight relationship with Allah and who I know is gonna go far in life because he has a big heart of gold for having a genuine intention to help those who are unfortunate. He is a nice guy who tries his best to understand something different he didn’t normally encounter while growing up or doesn’t deal with on a daily basis. He makes so much sense once he starts speaking about anything that matters and a humor that makes me smile from ear to ear. 

But I was never 100 % honest with him. When he asked me whether I’m expecting something more from him, I lied and told him no in a heartbeat. I even countered, “He’s not my type” to which he responded with, “He will never be.” The effect was numb in the first few hours that would let on until the pain would pour slowly in series afterwards. 

I don’t know if he noticed but I was staring at him in the bus while going home because all along in my mind I was thinking, “Just in case this is the last time I’d see him, I want to look at him closely, freeze this moment, and remember him this way forever.” I was trying so hard not to well up and release any drop of tears because that would cause a slight scene. I know he doesn’t believe in movie moments but for me it’s the part of a film that’s gray and sad. 

Those long walks on the beach in the early night while we talk about life in general, our ambitions, future, religion, and all the deep thoughts that have been stashed in corners of our brains. Those late afternoon sitting on a bench in front of these amazing big buildings laughing occasionally on the jokes that come out of our mouths. Those train rides we’re goofing at each other or the silence when we’re separated by seat. Those last moments in the bus before we finally say goodbye. Those text messages that are going to stay permanently in my inbox. Those are the moments that whatever happens, I know I will always remember forever. Those are the times that when I look back in the future, I will have nothing but smile. 

The tears that I was holding back before I left the bus came out easily as I started walking. I am the guy who recognized love and jumped then went home crying with a broken heart. Surely, it wasn’t love that I recognized but I risked to jump then have my heart broken in the end. It wasn’t him. There was nothing he did wrong. It was me, once again, who took the wrong leap and had so much faith in myself. I blamed me for being so tired of saving myself all the time when I just wanted someone else to do the job. I blamed me for being so lonely sometimes when I just wanted someone to talk to who would understand what’s in my head. I blamed me for being so defeated on my lowest point in my life when I just wanted someone to lift me up. I blamed me for being so determined to dig my own grave when I just wanted someone to stop me and help me get out of the trouble. 

A week ago when I told a friend that I’m scared I’d never find someone like him, she went nuts. Immediately she rushed into this standard format advice about how I’m so young and I will find someone else who might actually be better than him so why am I restricting myself under that mentality? Only now on 8:03 am while the sun is rising that I realize she’s absolutely true. I think we’d always have that experience in our lives when we meet someone who was never ours. It’s easy to stay at the end of our ropes and settle under the thought that we’re screwed and can’t figure out what to do next, but we have to dust ourself off and just what like Michelle Obama said, “Pick yourself up and keep moving through the pain.” 

I’m only 22 and there’s a long way to go. It’s gonna take quite sometime to heal but I know I need to have my hopes back that I’m near to finding the right guy. 

.05 This is to you.

I’m writing this at 12:39 on a late evening on the very 1st day of July.  

Hello there.

This is going to be a shock especially that this is only the 5th time but already the last. Almost 2 years of writing to you and it’s all going down to this. If I had known this would have happened I would have refrained from writing letters to you since the beginning. But crazy detours change everything in our lives.

You would guess right away that probably the reason I’m ending this is because of my lack of patience for you to come over in my life. I wish it’s as easy as that but no not really. That’s not exactly the cause. It’s much bigger than that. I’m going to make this story short. Here’s why.

I have made covenant with God. I traded my endless desire to be in a relationship for something very important. I’ve learned that big prayers require big sacrifices and you know how my want to have a boyfriend is a big deal to me so you know that what I have given it up for is truthfully a thing worth sacrificing for. I can’t tell you what it is or at least give you a tiny hint because it’s too personal.

I’ve never had any boyfriend in my life and as it turns out right now, I won’t have. It’s hard, it’s sad, it’s scary but I don’t know. I’ve made a decision already and I believe it’s for the good benefit of everyone. Thinking about how I will live my life with no partner is super terrifying. I know it will never be easy given my always immediate attraction to anyone who I find endearing but I have given a thought about that as well. And the only action I can act upon when those moments arise is either cry or pray to God to give me strength. I have imagined myself crying for millions of times in the future because of this agreement with God. 

It’s just so hard to be gay. A lot of times I wished my sexuality were something different so I would not suffer being conflicted between commiting a sin or choosing happiness. I think no one will understand my situation unless they’re in my shoes. It still hurts me whenever I look back and see that the path I’ve gone through has no mark of a happy romance. To add salt to the wound, I actually clear out the line in front of me with all the possibility of a happy romance. 

But God has plans for me and I need to stick to it always and forever.

After all my undying efforts of waiting, hoping, wishing, praying, I can kiss you a goodbye.

Bye.

Yours, 

Me.