24 hours

The last 24 hours have been filled with overwhelming information that drive my emotions to different uncharted territories. Memories that’s supposed to be buried deep somewhere else, never to visit again yet they come running back. Stance on decisions that’s been simmered down with finality, now given an opening with series of doubts.

Late morning with only the sound of rain since 1 am and a woodland pine scent that covers my entire room to soothe my mood, this is what I feel like for the past 24 hours.

I believe that if we truly do not want to give past a power to show up with a tight smile in front of us, we should not be asking history-related questions to certain people. But curiosity, as always, gets the best of me.

First strike was when I came to a full understanding that I didn’t get the same help that the other person received when we were in the exact same situation. Either I didn’t deserve it or I was underestimated — point is it’s long overdue.

Second strike was kind of heartbreaking. See, sometimes I make a decision that I thought was only best for me. I never realized, not even in my wildest dream, that my “then-strategic moves” would inspire other people or provoke them to follow the path that I didn’t expect I lead. Sometimes I was so narcissist I failed to see my slight power to influence other people — that in tiny ways I was a symbol for them to hold on a little longer, that if I pull myself out they might as well pull themselves out.Should I’ve known this would have happened, I might have changed that 20 minutes part of my life. Maybe, just maybe, things would have been the same for all of us.

Originally I was supposed to make a film about these two amazing strikes last night but due to my severe weekend laziness, I changed my mind last minute and slept at 9 pm. This morning I woke up with another information that made my web-sharing desire stronger. A year ago today, I was proclaimed as a CPA. A year ago today, I became a household name even for a day.My achievement resulted into a start of a really great adventure that, as you know, ended up abruptly. I asked myself what have I done with that title? Sure it made me score interviews very quickly but other than that I’m afraid I don’t have much to answer.

Times like this my problem is I keep revisiting my past and everything that I thought I wasted. I believe the root cause is I never feel like I’m totally satisfied with my life so far, everything is in slow-mo and I just want to fast-forward to the day when I can tell to myself, “I made it”. I’m probably in desperate need of support-system from my fellow millennials about this issue.

I’m allowed to make mistake in my early 20s and I learned that my recovery process is as important as my learning process. If I open my eyes wide enough, I might pick up everything that I’m glad I have. Like rainy Sunday morning in my bed under a comforter drowned with a woodland pine scent and Pringles to look forward to after lunch. Maybe the past 24 hours isn’t so bad after all.


Published by

The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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