Forgiveness is a prerequisite of second chances — they complement each other, they go hand in hand. I learned that you can’t move forward in your life if you don’t forgive yourself, the world, and all the people you believe did you wrong. You can’t have second chances if you stuck yourself living in a place that’s long overdue. It’s gonna take sometime to forgive but it’s always worth it when you have those second chances later on.
On the outside of my shell, I make it so certain that it’s shiny and strong. I stand with pride and resilience against all the waves the storm inflicts upon me. But when I’m all alone in my room in silence and contemplation, I cry. And just like any other human being, I let myself feel.
It was painful. Perhaps maybe it still is. If I dig deep down enough, I might lose the battle and admit that I regret. But I won’t, maybe only partly. Certainly for sure, it crushed me. It was a dream I had at a very young age and the best thing the world had to give me was that I had it so easy — very easy some people wanted to try my shoes. But I took the dream for granted. I was that person who wanted something so bad but once I had it, I started complaining and never stopped. I made decisions purely based on emotion and as a result, I went home with an airfare ticket in my hands combined with a mountain of ego that’s bound to fall apart.
It did hurt. When it’s all over and I get to zone out of the game then look at it in an outer perspective, I saw that I wasn’t totally the victim I convinced myself dearly. I played my part as a villain too. All along I was feeding the bad wolf and it became me. As soon as I realized it, I put my head in my arms because I knew it was too late to go back and change everything that triggered the chain of events.
I cancelled all my upcoming interviews. I wasn’t emotionally ready to work. I needed some fixing and so I packed my bags and joined my family for a long road trip travel. I took the chance to stare outside the car as the view passed by and breathe. I accepted the reality, the truth that I’d be stuck in the same place I was itching to abandon 8 months ago, the country and its system that never failed to disappoint me on a regular basis. Looking back to that 27th of June at the 19th floor early in the afternoon staring at a first-world country infrastructures and modern vehicles, I thought I would be blissfully happy fast-forward to the present. I asked myself inside the car, “Am I?”
Thank God and the universe, my life forever changed the following night of our travel. It was 17th of August, a little close to a month of my post-Dubai. I was alone in the pool on an early evening, rain drizzling like a movie moment set up just for me, in front of the ocean, inside Casa Consuelo known as the almost tip of the northern Philippines, I talked to a Higher power and allow myself to think clearly about my future. That moment right there was when I forgave myself, I forgave the people who hurt me, I forgave the past. I prayed for redemption and another shot to make things right.
In God’s loving arms, everything worked out accordingly. I passed both my scheduled interviews 3 days after. It’s a matter of faith, trust, and renewed relationship with Him. He gifted me second chances full of circumstances I wish I had in my previous job. He knew exactly what I wanted deep down and He gave it to me in His perfect timing. And I love Him more because of that.
Nothing comes perfect. I lived in a well-ordered city that I fell in love with but I hated my job. Now I have a job I might potentially love in the long run but live in a city I can’t fall in love. It takes hard work to stick around. It’s too early for me to give a final judgement about my second chances and I don’t want to be the kind of person anymore who strategizes so hard. I have the wheel in front of me and even though it might seem like I don’t know where exactly I’m going right now, I know sooner I’ll get to that place God knows my heart is wanting.