I woke up at 6 am today on my day off when I’m supposed to be sleeping up until I get a little close to recovering the hours of sleep I didn’t get during weekdays. I took a shower because I was dead tired last night and couldn’t move a muscle to get off the bed just to at least wash my feet. I scrolled for few minutes at Facebook just to get inspiration then visited thought catalog to read something I could relate into. Spoiler alert: one post was what I felt like written specially for me. Then when I thought I’m ready to write again, here I am, ready to bleed while punching the alphabets.
With foggy brain, somewhat blurred slurs, and incoherent thought on an early weekend, here is what exactly I want to say:
I knew the caution the minute it all began; the risk that I was willing to take again after so many months of living under spell of saving myself. I got into troubles and I was always the one picking myself up that eventually once in a while I low-key asked a Higher power for an extra bonus to keep me going. Then someone came, I thought my prayers were granted. Okay maybe in a way, but not at all.
He wanted the both of us to be honest with each other, and that’s what I appreciated more about him. At least we didn’t have to go through the fuss of trying to figure out where the road is heading and if it is even the right road to begin with. Without sugar coating and long explanation before the verdict, he told me we can only be just friends. I wished I could give him standing ovation for the courage and candor he laid on the table early in the game.
He is a religious guy who has a tight relationship with Allah and who I know is gonna go far in life because he has a big heart of gold for having a genuine intention to help those who are unfortunate. He is a nice guy who tries his best to understand something different he didn’t normally encounter while growing up or doesn’t deal with on a daily basis. He makes so much sense once he starts speaking about anything that matters and a humor that makes me smile from ear to ear.
But I was never 100 % honest with him. When he asked me whether I’m expecting something more from him, I lied and told him no in a heartbeat. I even countered, “He’s not my type” to which he responded with, “He will never be.” The effect was numb in the first few hours that would let on until the pain would pour slowly in series afterwards.
I don’t know if he noticed but I was staring at him in the bus while going home because all along in my mind I was thinking, “Just in case this is the last time I’d see him, I want to look at him closely, freeze this moment, and remember him this way forever.” I was trying so hard not to well up and release any drop of tears because that would cause a slight scene. I know he doesn’t believe in movie moments but for me it’s the part of a film that’s gray and sad.
Those long walks on the beach in the early night while we talk about life in general, our ambitions, future, religion, and all the deep thoughts that have been stashed in corners of our brains. Those late afternoon sitting on a bench in front of these amazing big buildings laughing occasionally on the jokes that come out of our mouths. Those train rides we’re goofing at each other or the silence when we’re separated by seat. Those last moments in the bus before we finally say goodbye. Those text messages that are going to stay permanently in my inbox. Those are the moments that whatever happens, I know I will always remember forever. Those are the times that when I look back in the future, I will have nothing but smile.
The tears that I was holding back before I left the bus came out easily as I started walking. I am the guy who recognized love and jumped then went home crying with a broken heart. Surely, it wasn’t love that I recognized but I risked to jump then have my heart broken in the end. It wasn’t him. There was nothing he did wrong. It was me, once again, who took the wrong leap and had so much faith in myself. I blamed me for being so tired of saving myself all the time when I just wanted someone else to do the job. I blamed me for being so lonely sometimes when I just wanted someone to talk to who would understand what’s in my head. I blamed me for being so defeated on my lowest point in my life when I just wanted someone to lift me up. I blamed me for being so determined to dig my own grave when I just wanted someone to stop me and help me get out of the trouble.
A week ago when I told a friend that I’m scared I’d never find someone like him, she went nuts. Immediately she rushed into this standard format advice about how I’m so young and I will find someone else who might actually be better than him so why am I restricting myself under that mentality? Only now on 8:03 am while the sun is rising that I realize she’s absolutely true. I think we’d always have that experience in our lives when we meet someone who was never ours. It’s easy to stay at the end of our ropes and settle under the thought that we’re screwed and can’t figure out what to do next, but we have to dust ourself off and just what like Michelle Obama said, “Pick yourself up and keep moving through the pain.”
I’m only 22 and there’s a long way to go. It’s gonna take quite sometime to heal but I know I need to have my hopes back that I’m near to finding the right guy.