I’m writing this at 12:39 on a late evening on the very 1st day of July.
This is going to be a shock especially that this is only the 5th time but already the last. Almost 2 years of writing to you and it’s all going down to this. If I had known this would have happened I would have refrained from writing letters to you since the beginning. But crazy detours change everything in our lives.
You would guess right away that probably the reason I’m ending this is because of my lack of patience for you to come over in my life. I wish it’s as easy as that but no not really. That’s not exactly the cause. It’s much bigger than that. I’m going to make this story short. Here’s why.
I have made covenant with God. I traded my endless desire to be in a relationship for something very important. I’ve learned that big prayers require big sacrifices and you know how my want to have a boyfriend is a big deal to me so you know that what I have given it up for is truthfully a thing worth sacrificing for. I can’t tell you what it is or at least give you a tiny hint because it’s too personal.
I’ve never had any boyfriend in my life and as it turns out right now, I won’t have. It’s hard, it’s sad, it’s scary but I don’t know. I’ve made a decision already and I believe it’s for the good benefit of everyone. Thinking about how I will live my life with no partner is super terrifying. I know it will never be easy given my always immediate attraction to anyone who I find endearing but I have given a thought about that as well. And the only action I can act upon when those moments arise is either cry or pray to God to give me strength. I have imagined myself crying for millions of times in the future because of this agreement with God.
It’s just so hard to be gay. A lot of times I wished my sexuality were something different so I would not suffer being conflicted between commiting a sin or choosing happiness. I think no one will understand my situation unless they’re in my shoes. It still hurts me whenever I look back and see that the path I’ve gone through has no mark of a happy romance. To add salt to the wound, I actually clear out the line in front of me with all the possibility of a happy romance.
But God has plans for me and I need to stick to it always and forever.
After all my undying efforts of waiting, hoping, wishing, praying, I can kiss you a goodbye.