This is probably the first and last time I’m discussing this but if you go through all of my posts, you can notice that most of them are all about heart breaks, unrequited love, and mad romance. Basically, it’s the kind of brand I give in my blog. That’s just how I write in here. Of course there are parts about life and random thoughts but those are just the minor characters on this whole page. I pick heart ache as a theme purely because I know it is something that we can all relate into, something we all have shared and experienced in our life no matter what, no matter when and where. We can all agree that regardless of how deep the pain heart breaks inflict upon us, we learn from it. In the end, it isn’t just about the sad stories, it’s about the memories and lessons. Because heartbreak is the national anthem, and we sing it proudly.
Speaking of which, allow me to give you a story.
On my way home this evening, I thought about writing a song about a guy or maybe a poem because song needs a melody and since you can only find words here you may even agree it’s just a poem — whatever. However, I realize and, well, learn in a hard way that you can’t just write something about someone you just met once or twice because first of all, that’s cheap on a scale of a self valuation. Second of all, it makes you an easy target. Which gives way to third of all, he simply doesn’t just deserve to.
So what the point of this story? The concept. Not just about a guy, but the idea about that guy which I can probably apply in general whenever I meet a person whom I think, al though not sent from heaven, can fall into a category of someone I like. This is just something that happens to me even before or perhaps even on an occasional basis, depending on the frequency. The thing is, I get frustrated knowing that there’s no way, I’m talking about beyond zero percent, the person I have my eyes on will like me back or at least think of me as endearing. Having presented this whole truth in front of me already, somehow I will convince myself that maybe there’s a chance or let’s say hope if I try my best to reach out and know him better. I will make up my mind and say, “You know what? Sometimes it’s all about personality. Give him your best self and by the end of the night he’s yours.” But like a nasty movie with predictable plot, you can easily point out how the story ends.
What I’m investing myself into is a lose-lose situation. When I get the fortunate chance to wake up from this unfortunate kind of event, I usually end up feeling bad and blame myself for even having to try in the first place. Because it’s a desperate move, it makes me feel ashamed for myself. It’s like diving from a cliff into a waterless ocean — stupid and illogical. To be honest, sometimes when you have nothing to dive into, you settle for less like a waterless ocean. But then again, it’s stupid and illogical.
In my mind I can already hear what my psychiatrist has to say about this situation. In fact, it’s already inherently ingrained in my brain. Apparently, she will advice that in as much as possible I need to avoid entering myself in this kind of trouble. Not only it will save me from dangerous consequences but also it will prevent me from reminding myself why I am still not in a relationship. I have certainly passed and grown out the point when I am feeling sorry for myself for having no one to hold hands with. And the last thing I need in this world is a vast reminder about it.
I have to choose places I step into, is what I have learned for tonight. I’m not gonna lie, I regret what I put myself into. Certainly there are other important things I should have given priorities, time, and energy. But what’s a waste if there’s something to gain right?
Heartbreak is not a term to use, only a conscious mistake. Because if it’s a heartbreak, how can I sing it proudly?