Twenty.

Exactly one month from this moment I will be turning twenty. This has been a three year running tradition to write something in my blog before I turn another year older. This is to look back on the events that has transpired. 

First of all, I have to say that thirteen is not my lucky number. I have decided that 2013 has been the worst year of my life and I am hoping that bad things would stop in that year. It’s funny that in my past entries for the last two years, it seems like everything is getting better and better every year. Whether it’s academics, my relationship with my friends, my personal growth, basically everything in life. All is getting well and I can’t contain my happiness about it. However, this year is different. A really difficult year.

I want to start in the aspect of romance. To be honest, I thought I would have my very first legit love story in 2013. I thought that finally someone would also like me back. Well someone kind of love me back but the situation turned down my hopes of having a boyfriend. My friend who introduced me to him always asked me if I was hurt or had get over him already. Normally I would deny all the troubles that incident has caused to me because somehow I kind of felt like it’s no big deal because in the first place, Carle and I never had enough time to get to know each other plus of course I wasn’t all that sure if he had an interest in me. But I think deep down, it did hurt me. I had hopes and dreams about us two and it was so high that when it went down I felt awfully bad. I think every situation, whether it’s good or bad, has a lesson to learn from it. I think with this one, it made me more mature about trying to find a relationship. I realized love should not be complicated, it should come off naturally, and as they said in the right time and in the right person.

The idea of friendship is an interesting subject to talk about most especially regarding what happened to me last year. My relationship with friends was real crazy. I want to begin with the good one. There’s this person I have just met for six months and while it’s just a short period of time we instantly clicked together basically because we both love to read. She was my doormmate. Unfortunately, she was already graduating and that meant she had to leave our dorm. It broke my heart that I wouldn’t be able to see her again but even though we didn’t see each other on a regular basis, I still considered her as a best friend. On the other hand, a lot of friendships and trust has been broken and destroyed last year. One instance was the incident with my other doormmate. We were kind of close and I, in fact, almost considered her as my sister. We shared personal stories together, eat together, made pranks together, and all those kind of jazz. But then one day, we fought over a little thing and from there we stopped speaking to each other. I didn’t want to be the first one to say sorry because I knew I was not the one who’s at fault. Our common friends said we should put our pride down and someone should be the first one to apologize. After five months of ignoring each other, I realized I have to leave the same dorn we were staying at because I could not avoid holding grudges towards a person I shared one building with. Once she learned about my upcoming leave, she approached me, said sorry, and we eventually reconciled. But then it was already too late for me to stay in our dorm because I already made a promise with my schoolmate to stay with them until we graduate. Looking back, I didn’t have the courage to talk about that incident specifically because of its sensitivity but I guess once it’s all done it no longer brings back nightmare. I believe when friendship was ruined there’s only two ways, either you leave them a mark or you teach them a lesson. In my case, I think I taught her a lesson and made her realize something in her life that would help her to maintain friendship with the rest of her friends. Sadly though, my struggle with my friends didn’t stop there. To sum it up, I’d just to say that my relationship with my schoolmates was pretty much unstable and frankly I just wanted to graduate and never have to see some of them again. You know how they say when something was broken it would be impossible to put things together the way they used to be. I guess the same applies with the people I cared so much before. Somewhere I kind of stopped trying to fix things up and let things be broken. Besides, I would leave them sooner or later. Over all, I learned to know people that I would keep in touch with as soon as school is over but for others it’s the end of their role in my life.

Academically, in as far as the success of 2011 and 2012, those didn’t reflect the second half of my 2013. For the very first time in my life, I failed in my academic subject. Before that I was running for honors until that came and my three years of hardship instantly lost. I was glad I didn’t take my failure too seriously but the pain it caused still sting. I wanted to believe that I could do good in this life regardless of how I did not maintain my good academic standing. After learning my failure, I became a firm believer that a grade doesn’t define the future of someone, it’s the passion, perseverance, and eagerness of someone that will define his/her future.

Life in general? I think 2013 did a great job of ruining my life by taking my bright point-of-view in life and making it dark, messy, and out of place. In short, I was thrown a little bit off in life. In doctor’s opinion, I was diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia based on the medicines she advised me to take. (I guess I have written something like this already). In simple language, I believed I acquired clinical depression. I didn’t know how it did started exactly and why it happened but bottom line was, I almost lost it and I almost decided to commit suicide. At that time, it felt like it was end of the world to me, I thought there was nothing to do in my life anymore. I no longer see my future, there’s no spark inside me and I relent to do things that I’m interested in. It was a moment of my life that even if I look back few years from now, I would always recall that part as threatening.

It was a really really bad year. But from all of those things that happened, I think I learned a lot. Probably more that the past two years combined. Mostly, I learned to be nice to people and to be hospitable enough whenever I am. I realized it’s never too late to renew relationship most especially if it’s relationship with family because no matter what happens family is always there — it’s true. I believe God is always nice and he has a better timeline mapped out for me than my own timeline. And above all, I am thankful that I still have a life to write about.

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The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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