Dear Miggy.

It’s valentines day today. Or maybe was valentines day since I would probably finish this past 1 am or something. I’m traveling from Manila to home and as I looked outside the window of the bus I’m riding, I saw a house in the middle of a spacious grassy area. I know it’s irrelevant to tell you that but it inspired me to write you this. And yes, I’m that weird. You’ll probably won’t ever read this simply because I never existed in your eyes. Or maybe I did, you just don’t find a single ounce of interest in me. Still, I’m writing to you because well, I don’t know, I guess it’s a thing everyone does when they like a person.

The question of why do I still even like you is a crazy thing to answer. I know I’m being pathetic at this point. But I do not care. I’m determined to give reasons to that inquiry .

I guess it was enrollment day when I first saw you. I was pinching some of my friends, who were so busy chatting with each other at that time, so I could point out how supremely good looking you were. Well perhaps I was exaggerating my definition of you. Surely there were a lot of men who looked better than you but on the scale of guys in our school, you know and I know you were outstanding. Million days passed after that day, I only see you once in a hundred years because we were never classmates. In my eyes, you were the figure I would die for. You have the body big enough to be huggable. You have the classy appearance everyone would set their eyes into. You’re tall, you’re handsome, and you don’t even need a perfume to smell good. However, as I said, we were never classmates so I was like, whatever, not a chance.

But then the universe was insane enough to put us in one room and haha we became classmates, finally. Little by little I learned that my closest friends know you so well. In fact, I got jealous to them all the time they talk to you and mind you I almost hate them for being so damn lucky to get to know you as a person. I’ve been wanting to have that shot for a year already and they just have for, I don’t know, maybe a day since I heard from them how mr. Congeniality you were to all people because you know yourself how charming you were. Of course I could have paved my way to land in your state of attention but you know, fear got the best of me. You could never blame me, I mean, my whole life I tried flirting to guys so I could get to know with them or whatever but as you know, it never worked. Not even once. That’s a sad and embarrassing story I don’t want to remember anymore. So moving on, yeah, I just don’t feel like the first person approaching you because I know I would just look nervous and I would run out of words to say.

Sooner, I kept telling my friends how I liked you so much in like everyday basis. I think some of them thought I was beginning to obsess over you, which was not cute. They advised I should give myself a try to talk to you. Actually, they even offered a help to have us hook up in a conversation or like introduce me to you at first. But then again, I really can not do it. What the fuck right? I feel like once I get closer to you I would get electroshocked and I would die and my parents would never be happy about it, I mean, who would? Hello? Dying because of liking a guy? That’s like the lamest love story every. If I’m lucky enough if you consider it as a lover story.

I remember there’s this one time when you first talked to me. It was something related to our major. I don’t know if you could remember that. We were inside the class and I was the first one who finished the seat work, however there were some corrections that I needed to do to my paper so our professor had me sat down and revise my work. You were the second one to finish and you went to me to ask if your work was right. To be honest, I didn’t feel any spark that I’m supposed to feel primarily because I’m starting to lose hope to you. I know I should have grabbed that opportunity to start a conversation but I’m stupid. I felt sorry for myself for walking past you on corridors when I could smile and be nice to you. I shaved my head and didn’t even gave a fuck because it was my indication to the universe that I’m totally over you. Well it did work. I could enter our class and won’t even feel any tinge of regret about what I did to my hair. Please don’t flatter yourself because you were not the sole reason why I shaved my hair. I just feel like I wanted to I swear.

To be honest, sometimes I would wake up in the morning and I would think about you. I know it was no longer cool because it was getting serious and I never had any intention of putting you to my list of guys who broke my heart. You’re just the guy I had an ultimate crush on and that was it. Even right now, that’s just how I see you. Except of course during those moment that I become lonely and needing a boyfriend, then in that case you must be something. But then those were just the few times. Period.

You know how some people say that library could be a romantic place? At first I was like, oh come on! That must be a stupid idea. Until I ate my words. Oh you know what I mean. Library was basically where you always give my stomach some butterflies to entertain. I don’t know if you’re really flirty to people you know who likes you so much because every time I’m with my group of friends, you always seem to talk to them in front of me. Let’s be real here already, for the longest time I have crush on you I know you probably have an idea how I find you so much endearing. Well, thank you. Thank you for making me blush every time you see me at my bad hair days. Thank you for making my heart on rush every time I was aware that I looked fucked up.

I know I have probably said I won’t ever write anything about you ever because you just don’t deserve to. Not to be rude or something but we both know we can’t be together forever because sadly you’re a super straight guy. Damn I did it again. But I can not just promise that I won’t write about you again because as you know I suck on making promises. The good thing is, I have already answered the big and long-awaited question. Yey!

And now I’m back to reality. A single person on a valentines date. In fact, a guy who’s never been asked for a date. How sad is that? Poor me. But I’m over with feeling sorry for myself. But I guess I’m not weird after all for finding that glassy house all light up in the middle of grassy space as quite inspiring. Maybe just like that glimmering house standing alone, someday someone else will see how stunning it is. Someone will get curious and attempt to see what’s inside of that interesting facade. Someone else will get attracted to the lightness of the house. And I know, it will not be you.

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The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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