If anything, I am so glad to still be living in this earth and having a chance to continue my existence.
This past month has been the toughest part of my life so far. People probably don’t much notice what I’m going through from the inside because I don’t want to bother telling them or to worry them at least, in case they care. A lot of times I’m struggling with the little demons that constantly eating my soul for four weeks already. To be honest, I have been doubting if my life is still worth to pursue because my goals and perception towards my future has been simply overtaken by the dark and gloomy thoughts. It feels like my brain has stopped working altogether and has started decaying.
It started November 4 2012. I was having an under-sleeping time. I easily get wake up from small things such as my sister quietly sneaking inside my room to get something, the sound of chicken roosters, conversations I heard downstairs, etc. I let the first day of my under-sleep passed through thinking I could get a goodnight sleep the next night. Unfortunately I had a false hope. It kept on happening until the fourth day when I only got 6 hours of sleep and I realized I needed to do something about it. On the morning of November 8, 2013, I strongly decided to have an in take of caffeine so that I wouldn’t spend the whole afternoon trying to make up for the lost hours of my sleeping time. I exercised after my breakfast because I knew a long time ago that stretching your muscles helped loose the tensions it got during the night. Early in the afternoon that day, I was surprise to get a short 15 minute nap without getting into much trouble. I was glad exercise was kicking in so fast. Later on that day I was starting to study techniques on how to get good night sleep. At this point, I think you’re already realizing how important sleep is to me. Under the normal circumstances, I am a fan of having at least 8 hours of sleep each day. If I’m not getting any of it, I am usually prone to irritation, worries, and worse depression.
In time when my sleeping time is getting better, I started feeling anxious about school. I was torn between being happy and sad about leaving my safe haven,which of course is my home. I was excited about my new roommates and at the same time quite worried about how would I work with girl roommates since I spent the last three and half years of my life sharing room with guys. It was a back-to-back catastrophe in my life. From having sleeping problems to worrying into several things that caused fuss in me. I was fucked up and messed up and people didn’t knew that because I was always good at hiding or so it was still tolerable to hide.
So I started going to school setting my mind into thinking that maybe it was just a phase I was going through at the moment, maybe it was a hormonal thing, maybe it was an event every 19-year-old experiencing, maybe it was temporary, maybe it was nothing. I didn’t know what was going to happen next and of course I was mortified because I was so scared. What if it would last until I die? What if this is the person I’m going to be from now on? What if someone would suggest I started taking medicinal pills and my body would depend on it? What if I would be suicidal and kill myself at one point? I had a lot of what ifs in my mind and it was not helping.
I survived the first week of school trying to enjoy what I had. Finally when the weekdays were over, I decided to go back home and hopefully would have a chance to reflect. I spent the whole Saturday afternoon sleeping because it kind of felt like my body was super exhausted from the whole week of laying at a bad bed. The feeling was overwhelming being able to rest and catch up for the lost hours of sleep. However, unfortunately, when the night came I didn’t have an idea that something bad was going to happen. I lived in a small town far from the city and basically people sleep really early. So when it was all quiet and everybody was inside their room already, I started to feel something inexplicable and I swear it was worse than death. My heartbeat was racing so fast and every molecule inside me was getting crazy like I could not control them. I tried laying in my bed and attempted to let the situation subside but it didn’t and instead it got really bad. I wanted to cry at the moment and ask for help but I didn’t want to appear like I was overreacting so I owned the whole thing. That night was just the most horrible part of my life because I couldn’t think clearly and my mind was just so dark and my perception to the world was gloomy like my life was a waste and I just wanted to die already. I wanted to end it right there. I couldn’t keep my thoughts and body and spirit and soul together. They were all spread in the floor below my bed and I was watching them perished. It was so sad and depressing and bad and I didn’t know how and why it was happening.
I woke up a little over 10 am and I was beyond thankful to had a straight sleep. The whole day was just normal. The remnants from last night stayed from where it had been. I acted like nothing bothered me when in truth I was getting paranoid from the event that happened. I went worried and anxious once again. I was debating myself as to consult a specialist and perhaps begun to take some medication. But I was still determined to keep it to myself and never share it to somebody else. The night was approaching so fast and I was starting to get a little panicky. I was afraid it would happen again. Well it kind of did but I made myself busy. I went to the internet and did the unusual thing of Facebook chatting some of my friends. I ended up fixing a dinner date with my good old friend.
The next morning I had to head back to Manila. Weekends are done and I was more of happy about it. I got a hint that the universe was playing a shitty trick on me when the bus I was riding went down. We were in the middle of nowhere at 2 pm in the afternoon and had to wait for another bus. I had a quiz at 4 pm and I had to be in Manila in 1 hour but I knew it was not going to happen. I calmed myself even if there was no single reason to calm down. I let it pass. Just like that. I was 30 minutes late in my quiz and thought it was okay.
I realized I had enough and I needed someone to talk to regarding all these bullshits that had been occurring in my life lately. My friend and I met up for dinner and in the middle of our conversation I revealed that I was having a problem and it was serious. We hadn’t seen each other in a month and the first thing she asked me was, “Are you happy at your current place?” I instantly said yes and I thought maybe it was the lack of no sun in the room that caused all these dark thoughts. I knew she also had no specific answer she could give to me as a help just like I did. We finished our foods, went out to the street and stood there for a little while to wait for another friend. We were both surprised when somebody called our name from the inside of a van. It was our friend and instructed us to immediately jumped in. We were all laughing and talking random things and I realized that somehow I had a chance to let my worries drop with the help of my friends. That night was something I could never forget because of how my friends easily saved me. I remembered walking back to my dormitory staring at the sky and whispering, “Thank you.”
But it didn’t stop there.
Another weekend, another time to go back home. Obviously I was both excited and terrified. I was glad I slept instantly due from a long day. Surprisingly though, I woke up in the middle of the night. After some long serious attempts to fell back to sleep, I easily failed. I was beginning to make excuses in my mind that maybe it was the sound of the chickens from the neighbor, or maybe it was a ghost thing, or maybe it was because I didn’t visit the tombs of the dead last Halloween. Whatever was it, I knew I was fucked. I head downstairs to eat banana and drink glasses of water hoping it would help. I went back to my bed only to found out it didn’t. I was so frustrated already, I mean, who wouldn’t? To think it was my own room, my safe haven. My reason for not sleeping was nobody to blame but me. Finally I sneaked in to my grandma’s room and confessed I was having a problem. It was 6 am and the sun was already up. I slept flawlessly but my head was very hurt when I woke up in the afternoon. My grandmother commented I looked depress and guessed that maybe I wasn’t getting any decent sleep to my place in Manila. That was the sole reason why I never open my problems to my parents because I knew they would be more paranoid than I already was. The night of that day I talked to God. I decided I would renew my faith in a stronger perspective. I made peace with myself and with everything around me and I was able to have a really good night sleep.
I believed it was a weekly tradition for the universe to fuck me really hard during Mondays. First, I didn’t enter my first subject because I was already late. I thought it was fine so I could be prepared for my second period quiz. As I was preparing to enter school, it rained really hard. I waited for good 10 minutes wondering if the rain would be over by that time but it didn’t. Out of option, I walked towards school and embraced the powerful surge of rain. I arrived all wet and sticky and I still took the test. I got home dead tired, defeated, hopeless. I didn’t understand why was the universe doing these tricks on me. Did I do something that made me deserve to be inflicted upon by these bad things? Was I a criminal?
The next day my roommates hated me because I was ranting about how I didn’t sleep the last night. I cried and literally burst into tears to my other roommate while eating my lunch. Nobody knew how bad my life had been so far. Nobody knew what was I going through. Nobody knew it all. I swear I just wanted to drop out school and figure something out in my life.
To be honest, at this point, thinking back all the other things that happened after that Tuesday afternoon just makes me more exhausted. To sum it all up, I had a horrible month. I don’t know what the future holds but I am hoping that it gets over there. I wish it’s just a phase. Somehow, I started asking advice through some of my friends. I think it helps a lot to talk about your problem and genuinely ask for answers. Mostly they suggest I go to church since I do it very frequently.
Sometimes, even up to this minute, I am afraid those bad moments would happen again just when I keep on thinking they would. A lot of people say it’s all in the mind and I believe them. The problem is, sometimes I can not control what’s in my mind. But I think it’s true that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Life gets better. I just need to keep on reminding myself every single minute what I really want to achieve in this life. Things I want to finish creating and things I want to keep doing. Having these goals easily keep me on a steady track. At times it’s hard to pursue life solo but I know God is always there beside me to guide. It takes a lot of talking to myself to keep me better.