Nineteen.

ImageExactly one month from this very moment I will be turning another year older yet again and as a tradition I need to make an entry inside this blog.

Academically, I couldn’t decide if I was that serious with regards to my subjects. Although, I made sure I try my best whenever I took exams or quizzes, but based on my preparations, I thought I was more diligent last year. Sure, I sometimes read chapters ahead but my efforts weren’t always enough to gave me confidence whenever I faced my tests. In fact, I surprised myself trying to have a wild guess during exams most especially if I couldn’t get at least one answer from the choices. I knew it would be easy for me to attribute the blame to my professors for their laziness and lack of effectiveness when it came to their tasks of teaching the students very well. But at the end of the day, it was my choices that led me to the places I had been. If I learned one thing for my whole year of academics, it was the fact that I either picked a good professor but gave students a very hard quizzes or picked a stupid professor but passed students automatically. Overall, my grades were fairly okay — not so bad nor so good.

When it came to love life, as usual, it was something that I still sucked on. To exaggerate things out, I felt like I had never actually learned anything. Of course, I had bits of developments as to dealing with guys, unfortunately the ending was always a failure. It was the usual cycle of me deciding to fell in love with a guy who I knew upfront had no intention of being attracted to me too and yet stupidly assumed he had. Then it would leave me damn heartbroken so much it felt like I couldn’t move on forever. It was the same fucking story over and over again and I was so fucking tired and sick of it. As soon as I took this summer vacation, I swore to myself never to fell in love anymore. I felt like I was missing something huge by focusing my attention on a wrong path. I will be nineteen years old already and as they say: I am not getting younger. I wanted to look on important things that would certainly affect my future. It might be too early for me to stop playing and learning but I realized I didn’t want to waste my energy on something I knew would fail in the end. No more guys or gays. Besides, I wasn’t that lonely suicidal freak before. Along the way, I kind of realized I had a family and few friends who loved me.

When it came to friends, it was fun and all at the starting point but ended up awfully bad. However, I didn’t regret a single thing on that. Again, I will be turning nineteen years old. I like to start picking people who I can be friends with ten or fifteen years from now and leave those people who just take me for granted. I want friends who give importance on me and not just view me as someone who is just there in the picture. Because in my point-of-view, I truly admire and appreciate good friends, I see them not as just ordinary friends but as a God’s gift to me. I learned a lot of things when it came to friendships this year. In fact, I was somehow grateful from how my large network of friends became only few, by my choice. I realized I should no longer share the piece of me to people easily. I wanted to activate, once again, those barriers and limitations.

At some point of this year’s journey I saw how immediate things could go horribly wrong and once it did, there would be no turning back nor fixing it. It would be my pleasure to start over and not be afraid to create decisions that would affect my life. I wasn’t a kid anymore and so  I should start looking at the better views.

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The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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