Trailing past.

ImageHaving an accidental glace at the mirror, I realize how things have drastically changed. Not only physically, but also the things that I have inside. 

A lot of emotions rush inside my head as I try to recall the things that I have done in the past. If there is one truth, it’s the fact that I’m happy with what I am now. Though most events in my past are my living proof of embarrassment, I know I wouldn’t learn great things if those events never occurred. 

Like, for one thing, I didn’t know how to compose myself before. I wasn’t good at keeping my emotions and staying neutral so people couldn’t read what I thought or what I felt. It was the part of myself that I hated big time. I remembered that whenever I was too excited to try new things, I certainly looked like a three year old kid clapping with joy and jumping with happiness. I knew back then that my gleeful actions didn’t matter to some people but at some times I could sense few people thought I was looking like a little bit ignorant. I recognized that there was nothing wrong with expressing yourself to the world but at the same time I understood that energies had to tone down a little bit sometimes.

Composure wasn’t something that I worked on overnight. It took me a long time before I could finally claim that I was successful already, measurement-based it took me a year. I mapped my way through it to learn the tricks. Eventually, I learned not only to control my excitements but also different things that I could use in different situations. For instance, I was always nervous around mean people. I was afraid that when bitch word-slapped me hardcore I would cry. Thank God, I learned the trick of silent intimidation. The thing was, you had to bring out your fierce poker face whenever your around with a mean shit because by that, bitch could not tell whether you’re an easy target. 

Also, I was greatly awkward with rejections, you could tell I was hurt after being rejected. Over all, I looked pathetic. But because of constant turn downs, I could already foresee prior to my invitation if the person would be interested or not.

Those were just few of the things I learned to control in my life.

Controlling is somehow freaky but isn’t helpful to have some things hide and hold back once in a while? In this complicated world, you can’t just turn your feelings visible all the time. For all you know, even a friend can take advantage of your emotions.


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The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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