I almost do.

 

ImageI remember I promised to myself not to write anything about what might happen between me and Carle. But now, I feel like I’m about to break something so special.

 

Why don’t we start from the beginning?

 

December 13 2012. It was Thursday. The very first time I would officially meet him personally. We kind of talked over the phone before this day, but conversations were just brief given that we never even met yet. I wasn’t exactly sure if I slept comfortably the night before this day. Excited maybe? Anxious maybe? Whatever it was, I knew I’d be meeting my “possibly” first ever boyfriend. I woke up from my unusual waking up time. 8 am was too early for me since my class still starts at 5 pm but I did it anyway. 2 hours gone, I heard a knock from my door. It was AC, my awesome friend who bridged between us. She said Carle was downstairs waiting for me already. To be honest, I wasn’t all that nervous as if it was a life and death scenario. I never tried to compose myself because all the cells and nerves inside me were cooperating to be calm.

 

I was welcome by battling of eyes. I wanted to smirk but I didn’t want to appear obnoxious to him so I shove it off. I couldn’t understand why would a person try his best to freeze and steal the moment at the very first introductions. So there, we talked for 2 short hours and ate our delivered lunches. It was a great meet up for me. Or so I knew it was a great beginning for me or for the both of us maybe.

 

 We talked over the phone and also texted each other. At first, he was the one calling and texting me. I wasn’t getting much butterflies with some extra expectations on top of that because I didn’t want to disappoint myself at the end of the day. Truth be told, I didn’t want to fall in love that fast as much as possible.

 

 December 16, 2012. It was past 12 am. I just arrived home from Manila. I texted him something crazy prior to my arrival. I called him so we could discuss it together. I confessed to him that I liked him and stuttered throughout the conversation. I wanted to cry after that but I realized I was too tired and that I have no sufficient energy to cry. So I slept instead and said to myself that whatever happens, at least I said what I wanted to say.

 

We kind of get close a little after that big night of confession. We see each other thrice before Christmas Vacation.

 

 As soon as I was settled at home spending my vacation reading novels, reading my school textbooks, and doing some loser stuffs. I was getting this sinking feeling I was falling in love with him. It never occurred to me that easy. Of course I thought and deliberated about it for days before I admitted it to myself.

 

 I fell in love with several people in the past. Never did one of my falling in love became successful. That was why I obligated myself not to get too attach so easily. However, with regards to Carle, I knew I was such a failure. I was already crossing the bridge so I took the risk and fell in love with him. I accepted to myself that the journey wouldn’t be easy and it would need me a whole lot of courage. Which was true. Falling in love, as usual, wasn’t easy to me again.

 

As what I have learned from myself, I am the type of person who tries my best to everything I want to achieve. But as soon as I see that the path I am going through is somehow dark and impossible to finish, I change my mind in a single snap of my finger and get back at where I started. In short, I give up and get tired very easily. I don’t have much of patience. Which I think is right. I mean, why will I keep striving for something when I know in the middle of it nothing will be gain at the end. Why not focus on something you know you can achieve instead?

 

It happened to me in the middle of my vacation. I said to myself it was over. He wasn’t really into me. I was determined to end it all. I was ready for the emotional detachment. When he called me the day before classes resumed. What happened was, I turned my back to the road and kept walking and striving because I believed that “Patience is a virtue.”

 

A week after that, I realize that yes “Patience is a virtue” but I get tired.

 

The worst thing here wasn’t falling in love to a wrong person. The worst thing was never learning from your mistake and kept on repeating it. The worst thing was embarrassing yourself in front of you.

Why am I such an idiot? Or why am I such a pathetic? No one was attracted to me in the same sex. I knew that. So why am I kept pushing myself into something that would repeal at the end?

 

January 14, 2012. Five days of no calls and texts from him. I hear nothing from him. Five days and neither I call and text him. Neither he hears anything from me. At times, I scroll at my contacts and see his name, I want to call or text him and hear something from him. I almost do.

 

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The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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