Beautiful Goodbye.

Image“It’s tough to say goodbye. It always is. Nobody loves change. But part of life is learning to let go.”

Everything starts at Hello.

November 1, 2012. As everybody knew, it was Halloween. Basically, most people were out of their houses celebrating the holiday either by putting costumes and heading to parties or visiting the tombs of the deceased. Unfortunately in my case, I was staying at home. I mean what’s new aside from me staying at home? 

Out of boredom and as usual, I was hanging out at Omegle. (If you didn’t know Omegle, I recommend you to read my previous blog posts.) After numberless disconnects, I happened to cross path with an Irish guy, born and raised at United States, named Justin T. McGlinchy. I knew you’d expect some introductions so here we go. He admitted he had a serious awkwardness illness which in a straightforward sense — not cool. He was using drugs occasionally before. He got imprisoned three times in the past but purely all in the name of stupidity. He didn’t believe in God. And for most part, he didn’t talk to people including me whenever he was not intoxicated. In short, talking to him wasn’t all that easy. By wasn’t all that easy, I mean, it felt like everything that has said was meant to be forgotten. 

So why? Why did I bother having conversation with him. Why didn’t I just say goodbye immediately and not talk to him afterwards? 

Out of pity? I don’t really know. There are some inexplicable things in life that just happen all of a sudden. I seen the vulnerable and helpless person inside of him that I wanted to take out. I wanted to help him. I was so busy figuring out how to help I didn’t notice I was slowly falling in love with his weakness. 

He said he liked me and loved me. Though I didn’t genuinely know if all those sweet words were real. I just found myself one day, buying an international calling card so I could reach him 24/7 a day. So yeah, I guess I believed in everything he said.

Story fast forward.

I got exhausted. I couldn’t recall how many times I called him. In fact, I lost count how many rings ended into voice mails. Not even a message saying “Sorry I didn’t pick up” did I ever received. Finally, I sensed he would just talk to me whenever he wanted to, period.

November 26, 2012. At the very last Skype call we had, I explained clearly that I was a very needy type of person. I couldn’t just settle to, “Sorry I couldn’t call you because I wasn’t intoxicated. Sorry I didn’t care about my phone.” I couldn’t bear the forever dead air between us during Skype calls. Also, at the very range of my anger, I said all the things that weren’t supposed to be said. Which made the situation worse. 

It was pretty difficult to end everything up. It almost felt like breaking up with him except that we never had a relationship in reality. Before the end button got clicked out, I said sorry for all I said and all the Thank Yous. 

Even until now, I still don’t feel great about saying my goodbye to him. If only he’s a little more normal that he is. But no, it just didn’t work. It just didn’t work.

Some things end at Goodbye. 

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The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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