Should I regret.

ImageWe all have frustrations and endless what ifs at the back of our minds right? I, for one, sometimes think, “Would my life be not like this in case I pick the other option?” Certainly, those thoughts either frustrate us or make us feel guiltier for not making the possibly better decision.

As I was wandering through the box, that I kept under my bed, which also happened to compose of several memorabilia, I found this college entrance exam application form of Far Eastern University. I think it was given to me by a friend of mine who took the test at the said university. I guess by the time it was given to me, I had already decided that I’d be studying at Baguio City. I think I wasn’t an ambitious one way back in High School. I never dreamed of studying at these huge and well known universities in Manila. I had too many reasons why, in fact. I knew universities inside Manila were way too better compare to universities in Baguio. But I just wanted to settle down at Saint Louis University. I knew the school had a good reputation when it comes to Board Exams so I thought I’d be fine with a school which was far from a grand city.

However, by the end of April, which was two months before I entered college. My mom decided that I should take an examination to this business school she went when she was in college. It was Philippine School of business Administration. I didn’t even know what that school was. I thought it wasn’t a really popular school, which I proved true since most people who asked where school I’m studying didn’t know it whenever I gave the answer.  In short, I ended up studying in Manila but at a school which wasn’t familiar to most.

Now my frustration went like this. As soon as I seen the Far Eastern University application form, an enormous flash of anger struck me from inside.  Like, if I hadn’t settled down for one thing or if I didn’t box myself to only one possibility, maybe I am currently studying at a university which has a campus. Maybe when people asked me where school I’m studying, then they would know it immediately whenever I answered them. It’s not that my school was a total crap. In fact, it had built a good impression when it comes to business courses for 50 years now. But to be honest, I envied my friends from other schools sometimes.

Do you know how frustrating that is, walking inside a respective university and seeing how well the environment. And suddenly you catch yourself inevitably whispering, “I could have been here. I could have been here.” Those are one of the moments that I feel small. Like I am nothing after seeing all those good things. I’m talking about University of Santo Tomas. This good friend of mine that I truly appreciate let me wander around the school with her and eventually take our dinner inside the campus.

But I believe God has a hidden perfect agenda why I am sent at my school. Maybe I can’t appreciate and digest it fully yet but I know one day, everything would matter. My school is fine after all, it is just really small. I mean you can’t blame me, I pride myself wondering of a huge campus when I was in High School. All in all, I am grateful with what is happening in my life. What is in my mind may not correspond to what is happening to me now but I know I have a great support system from God that my future would be awesome.

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The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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