It all ends here.

ImageEvery journey has supposed to come to an end. And aging one more time is no exception. At seventeen, I feel like I don’t want to move on to the next round. I feel like I want to stop my life in here. I don’t want to grow. I don’t want to get old. I just want to be seventeen forever. But I am just one human life form in this world to break life’s rule. I have no power to go on a different track when it comes to aging, and so I eventually embrace the mainstream culture.

Before I go to the heartbreaking formal statement of goodbyes, I want first to celebrate and look back the wonderful year that has happened.

 As soon as I have turned seventeen last year, I have promised to myself that this is going to be my year. This is my last shot to do all the unlawful and stupid actions. I have to enjoy this. I have almost always reminded myself in that way 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. However, it all ends now.

I’ve learned an incredible amount and the whole year is an amazing experience for me. I have learned that no matter what happens, you have to accept it. That is the most basic among the basic principles of all. Sometimes you don’t get what you want simply because it isn’t for you but there’s something extra special intended for you. I don’t make it to Dean’s list the whole year. Does that make me deeply frustrated? Of course yes. I have been an achiever my whole life and it isn’t easy for me not to attain my goal. But I have accepted it slowly and move on eventually. I get good grades on most of my subjects, yet I haven’t made it to Dean’s List. Why? Maybe because it isn’t for me. I have made my best and no amount of regrets should be wasted.

Further in your life, you will be meeting a lot of people, by this I mean tons of people. Some of them will just be your acquaintance. Some of them you’ll consider as friend and de-reconsider on the later part. Friendship is like a big coffee shop, people come and go. However, only handful of good people patronize and get back in your shop everyday because they see something great that is worth getting back for. Sooner you notice that you’re starting to create a life time value partnership with these few but good patrons. And since you’re a coffee shop, you need to appreciate and take good care of these patrons.        

Also, you may fall in love with two persons consecutively or even once at a time. Don’t freak out. It’s normal. Your heart naturally seeks romantic bullshits and gets you miserable and pathetic mess in the end. Early infatuations don’t work out most of the time. I am not generalizing here. That’s why I use “most of the time.” For me, romance is, excuse me for my wordings, a huge load shit of complications. You keep your emotions secret, you feel shit. You say what you really feel, you end up being disgusting shit. You close your heart to falling in love, you feel like a hundred year older. You ask for love and it comes, you look like a dirty, tired, and punchy. Who the fuck wants to fall in love then? Oh, that’s rude.

Seventeen years of solidly walking inside the planet. Today, as I say goodbye to one of the most beloved years of mine, I also welcome myself to the legitimate year. A very special year which becomes the hallmark between saying hello to the real life and bidding my adieu to the careless life. Right in this very moment commences my sensitivity when it comes to action, words, or everything basically. Otherwise, I might end up finding myself inside jail. I have stepped into the journey in which most people expect and strongly assume that I clearly know to identify what’s right from what is wrong. There’s an invisible imposition of being responsible in everything I do in everywhere I am. And this kind of social norm is only one of the few norms I truly accept with all my heart and soul.   

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The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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