It breaks my heart knowing that I am just entirely spending my lenten season inside the house. It gets me evenly more frustrated hearing most of my friends packing and booking their trips out of town this upcoming Holy Week. Truth be told, I can’t stand the fact that all I’m going to deal with are some sad television programs that television netwoks will be showing, plus of course some freaky sing alongs by the old people from different street booths. How I wish I can spend my remaining vacation days somewhere peaceful — beach maybe. But my last year’s Holy Week is no better than what I have now.
Still, I’m grateful enough that I have one book to read on this week. I just have to accept this situation and move on eventually. Moreover, I have to think of something that will surely benefit me. Perhaps this is the perfect time that I can finally introduce myself to certain emotions that I find hard to control. Perhaps this is my chance to think very deeply regarding several issues that I can’t dismiss cleanly. Funny thing though, I believe I will have a lot of words to discuss with myself this Holy Week.
I’m afraid that marvelous activity has to start now.
First of all, I’m still ambivalent to recognize if my attraction to Darell is just plain attraction alone or I’m, once again, starting to feel something that I’m not suppossed to feel. My emotions are all mixed up and it gives me too much weird feeling because foremost, I don’t even know him personally. So why all of these confusion are happening right now?
Given such chances, of course I want him to be my man. After all, he’s smart and definitely the most eligible bachelor I ever know. But reality check, a big shot of intimate privacy with him is truly impossible. Everyone agrees he’s 100 percent straight. Not even in my dream will I ever have a chance to own him. So, again, why all of these confusion are happening right now?
I’m completely aware that I have no purpose of risking emotions once more. I have always lost battles in terms of romantic involvement before. I’m not up for it anymore.
I know there’s a force within me that keeps me going, but I know I can control this inevitably. I just have to give myself a space of time.
Furthermore, I keep on priding myself with some academic achievements I have received lately. Because it’s the easiest exit that I see. In fact, it’s almost always my wise strategy whenever I can feel myself starting to build walls of infatuation. Based on my worldview, the more you pamper yourself with things that satisfy you, the less you’re likely to fall in love to someone. That’s exactly what I’m doing as of now. And I know I’m doing it rightly with all my might.