17 December 2011
In this four corner of the room, as silence is the only sound you can here, loneliness seems to be unavoidable. I can’t see other option but to let it come in and enjoy the pain. I know this is the moment that I should be crying in a low tone and drown myself with tears. On the contrary, I can’t even recognize if I’m sad since emotions are all mixed up. Maybe I feel numb, or a robot. Am I a robot? Am I created just to work and not to love? — Oh well.
Seriously, why no one gets attracted to me? Why I always fail from attempting to grab a romantic relationship? Why I always fall to the wrong one? I know I’m weird and awkward sometimes, but I don’t see it as a valid reason why no one says he likes me and mean it. Seventeen years, can you just imagine how long I have been waiting for the guy who’d give the fairytale that I deserve. Isn’t unfair that I’m the only one who gets to fall deeply and still haven’t received even an accountable or sufficient amount of love in return? I have received countless and unforseeable scars from being such a big idiot. And yes I’m still not used to it though I know I should and I still don’t get exhausted about it.
I know I’m gay and that I get attracted to the same gender. So what’s the point? That basically I should stop thinking for an answer with my condition because even a question seems to be the closest answer to all of my doubt? Yes it’s true, partly. Partly because I know that a straight guy can fall in love with me as well. As long as he finds me a good one to settle down with. After all, it’s love and you can never tell.
I have to admit that I’m scared when a time comes that all my friends have founded their other half and obviously I’m the only one who hasn’t. Like a man who has left by all the natives in an abandoned island. Given a chance, if someone would barter a life with me. I’d humbly suggest not to continue his/her purpose. I don’t want to let anybody else experience the extreme loneliness that I feel occassionally. Nobody deserves this. It just so happens that this is something that I have to deal with for the rest of my whole life. It’s a good thing that I get to master and be professional in this.
So what’s new with loneliness? It always starts somewhere in four corner of the room and surprisingly it has already in front of you. Then you are blinded with options so you let it come to you and enjoy the lingering sweet taste of pain.