The day I feel worthless

20 November 2011

 I don’t know what else to do in my life. I feel like worthless. This is the point of time in which I feel everyday is the same and repeating. Everything is plain. Although there are some moments that bring smile in my face, however, those gradually fade away. I know I have goals to look at, the irony is, I’m too uninspired to live with my goals and make those a part of my reality. I have to admit that I’m in the state of thinking as to end my life or just live with this temporary phase.

Right now, all the emotions seem to hold me back. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to blame myself, I want to beat myself constantly until there is no blood that would circulate. But I just can’t. Because I live in the world where emotions are in no place to be expressed. Affection is indirectly shown. Dramas are supposed to be hidden. It slowly kills me. I just need someone to talk to, someone who can understand me, someone who is willing to listen patiently. 

I have to acknowledge whoever has said “No man is an island.” — he’s right. No matter how many times you remind yourself that you don’t need somebody else, that you can live your life independently — all of it break away at the end of the day. The walls that you have effortlessly built would unfortunately fall down.

To resolute this, I need to find myself again. I’ve been suffocated lately. I need to inhale good air and remind myself what I really want to do in my life because I’ve been walking half asleep lately. In fact, I only see one direction of the road and the picture seems vague. I believe I truly deserve the happiness and contentment I’m always pointing. 

Looking back, I miss the old me who uses to laugh like forever, who uses to be so cheerful the whole time, who uses to have a company to stay with, who uses to be in a conversations that seem not to end. I grow old and tired and now I feel like aged. Not so good attitudes come out. I’m awkward, I don’t sometimes start a communication or I don’t want to see people specially at the worst peek of my life. I’m obnoxious, I hate a lot, I dislike for too much, my facial expression is uncontrollable and it shows what I really want to say even though there are no words that spill out anymore, I say mean things, I am very truthful even though I know it hurts others.

Maybe all I need is someone who accepts me for who I am, who would be my light to see a whole new world of ambition, who’d bring me back to life, who’d say that life is worthit, who’d give me a reason that each day is exciting and not repeating, that every morning is fresh and not the same, who’d say that everything varies, who’d be the reason why I’m smiling and give me a guarantee that it lasts forever, who’d be my inspiration to live with my goals and make it a part of my reality.

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The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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