Letter I wrote after learning that the guy I like was 100 percent straight.

21 December 2011

 It seems like a few hours ago when I am on cloud nine floating as if it’s my first time to get butterflies. However, that picture perfect side of me a while ago has been smashed like a mirror on the wall axed down. It’s funny how can a particular information travels so fast that it reaches my brain and makes me  wanna fucking end this wonderful fantasy of mine.

You see, he has a girlfriend before, he laughs very manly, basically acts like a man. So what the fuck am I expecting? That a super straight guy can fall in love with me as well? Why it doens’t sink into my mind that he’s ultra-straight the moment I claim to myself that I’m having a special feeling towards him? Maybe I’m fucking excited that time and I almost forget that my feet is still on earth’s ground. 

Looking back this past few days, how enormous it is that we get to exchange messages together on mobile and it is indeed my first time to register on an unlimited text messaging for like centuries and I do it mainly for him. I’m not saying that I totally regret something and that I should probably be jumping at a 36 floor building right now. The thing is, I get to be fooled by my feelings over and over again. I have been in this fucking position for many times so it isn’t right to just allow myself to create a big dramatic production for another round.

On the other hand, I have to say he’s gentleman and really friendly which is the reason why I have produced a segregated feelings to him. Well, he’s a different shit from the other shits I’ve adored before since he uses to reply on my messages knowing the fact that I’m gay. (Not to mention that he exhausts me from his monosyllabic response.)

Anyway, I need to wake up as early as now before I get the heartbreaking. Gay romantic love stories only exist in fiction novels, in movies. Well, maybe for some it does but definitely not to me as far as my race is concern. The bottomline is, I need to open my eyes. I need to wake up. There is no such thing as love, it’s just a fantasy. After all, I’m a big boy now. I can handle this shit as easy as counting 1,2,3. It just so happen that my stay on cloud nine has to be stopped for a while. 

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The Queer Diary

How did this whole thing started in the first place? Well I think ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to express myself . Sure I could have picked painting, singing, dancing, playing instruments, crafting, or any of those lovely forms of artistry as a medium for me to channel my thoughts and emotions, but in writing is where my heart belongs. Technically, I had no degree in writing but that doesn't make me less of a writer. I have no idea what the future has in store for me but I've always known deep down in my heart that I want to write. P.S. if you reach this site then please know that I am thankful that you give time for this and that you like to read. Also, no matter what you're going through, believe me when I say things will get better.

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