This Is How You Remind Me What Truly Matters

Dear God,

You really have a strange way of making me understand my life, my journey. You don’t want me to think that the choices I’ve made are purposeless. You want me to see everything clearly, find reasons, know the answers to my whys.

I’ve stumbled upon this website called: instant street viewer. I’ve known it before, used it before. Whenever I’m missing a certain place, I’ll just visit the site and type the address of where I want to be.

I chose the place I lived for 8 months. I didn’t exactly know why. I just felt like I wanted to revisit it, and made myself feel like I was there again. I picked the part where I’d go down from a bus stop and walk home. It was so funny that I still knew every single direction to my apartment. It’s as if I could navigate my way even when my eyes closed.

The feeling was all TOO familiar, as I passed through the street using the cursor, instead of my feet. Immediately, a sense of longing and nostalgic poured inside of me. Everything felt so near, yet far so away. I remember all the details that I saw. I can’t believe that part of my life ended abruptly.

I used to walk on those streets every day of my life, and… it was disheartening how I took those moments for granted, not knowing that one day they’d soon end. I wonder how many times I walked on the same cul-de-sac, how many times I smelled that distinct odor, how many times my heart fluttered as the wind brushed my hair.

I remember how lucky I was to be living somewhere different.

But then, when I was on my halfway through my old apartment, I realize how the park in front of me reminded me so much of how young I was at that time.

I remember how stupid, and ignorant, and emotional, and weak I was. I remember all the reasons why I should not look back. I rolled my eyes and contemplated whether I should close the screen. But then a part of me wanted to finish what I already started. So I pushed through.

10 minutes to the building. I saw the grocery store where I bought my snacks on late afternoons. I saw the car shop — I used to think how amazing it would be to work there, because my place was close to it. I saw the spot where I dropped my phone. Everything was still fresh in my mind. It was only less than a year of me living there, yet I couldn’t forget all those memories that I experienced.

I tilted the screen to look up at the sky. This was the part when I said I wanted to go home. This was the part when I was so crushed on the inside and nobody knew or understood why. Nobody wanted to know or care. This was the part that I asked You why.

5 minutes to the building. Those establishment I saw on both sides of the street were old (this website wasn’t updated). I saw men in their traditional dresses. They used to frighten me in the beginning. But they made me realize that the world is actually a safe place.

I was below the building that I lived. I couldn’t go inside. Guess they left that part for privacy reasons. I looked around. Turned around and round. Checked the sky. The street. I was here. I used to live here. I’ve made lots of choices. LOTS.

I admit I missed everything. Ugh. Too much emotion. It was getting hard to explain.

I moved on to the main street where I rode a bus to get to work. Again, I knew the direction by heart. I saw the big grocery mall I went into — even at 11 pm. That was such a fun experience — midnight grocery shopping. Think I should write about that one day. That was such a movie moment experience.

A long stretch of road. I saw the bench I sat on a late summer afternoon. My body was sweating and I was unable to cry because I was SO dehydrated. (Middle East problem)

I saw the city mall. Again, I missed it.

I’ve had enough. It was too much time, too much memories, too much looking back.

Towards the end of it, I felt okay. I have learned that my emotions are confusing me a lot of times, especially during this age. I wanted one thing and then hated it. I left one place and wanted to go back again. I admit that sometimes, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I want to be.

I’m hot and cold. I’m young and impulsive.

But I guess that’s what You want me to learn.  You want me to learn how to control my emotions. And maybe one day I will. I’ll just have to give myself time.

Some days I missed the cities that I left. But as I closed the window on my computer, I knew in my heart that I was happy with the final decisions I made. I’m happy with where I am. I’m happy to be with the people that I love, and who love me.

I get confused once in a while, but I think that, what You’re wanting me to learn is — knowing exactly what’s really important to me.

And ultimately, this is what is important to me.

Amen.

I Know That With You, I Can Always Make It Through

Dear God,

I know You’re pushing me to my limits. I know You only want the best for me. These trials, struggles, and challenges that You put in front of me only help me become the person that You’re planning me to be. These hardships that I’m experiencing right now slowly brings me to the place that I’m meant to head on.

So thank You after all.

Thank You for guiding me when I’m in doubt in my journey. And I trust you to continually lead the way.

I trust You with all your plans. I trust You because I know You will always be here whenever I call Your name. You will strengthen me. You will push me to go through.

And You remind me that with You, there is nothing to worry about.

Amen.

17 March 2017 | 6:56 PM

I Always Want To Be With You.

Dear God,

Thank you for bringing me back to my heart. It’s always good to be by Your side. I want to always hold Your hands because when I’m with You, I’m safe. When I’m with You, I’m able to live life with purpose. When I’m with you, I can breathe calmly. When I’m with You, I feel loved.

I’m recovering slowly by slowly. I’m growing. I’m changing. I’m evolving. Because that’s what you want me to do — to be better. And I will follow whatever path You want me to walk. I trust You. I believe in You, not only now, not only tomorrow, not only when I’m sad, not only when I’m happy, but always. I will keep believing in You.

I know there’s a lot to learn. I know there are more room for improvement. I know that sometimes my journey gets challenging. I know sometimes I will stumble and fall down. But I also know that You’re always there to help me back up. I know You’re always there to heal me with Your love.

I know You will never leave me no matter what, and I promise not to stray away from You again. I don’t know how I can live my life without You.

You are the only one I get my energy from. You are my inspiration when my hope is fading. You are a reminder for me to keep living for the ones who love me, for others, for the world.

You will always have my heart before others.

Amen.

After All These Times, You Still Save Me.

Dear God,

It has been one of the longest weeks of my life. I’ve been broken, crushed, and hurt. I’ve spent one night crying my heart out. I’ve spent one afternoon feeling disappointed. I’ve spent one morning being just sad.

I have strayed away from your grip. I have tested the water, to know if I’m strong, to know if I can make it, to know if I’m capable to be on my own. But the truth is, I realize that I am not as good as I think I am.

I say the wrong thing, I commit a mistake, I fall down, I fail, I cry, I regret. And I am imperfect. I can’t stand alone on my own two feet. I still need You. I need Your guidance, I need Your light, I need You love.

I am not as good as I think I am. I have prided myself with the things that I achieved in the past, forgetting it’s You who put me to where I am right now. I have lost the humility — and I don’t like it. I don’t like to be overconfident. I don’t like to be arrogant. I don’t like to be so sure about everything.

I am not as good as I think I am. I have repeated this to myself like a mantra. Not to bring me down, but to remind myself that I am just exactly like everyone. I’m no different than them. I have my moments of ups and downs. And I think that’s okay.

I am not as good as I think I am. I have fears. I have worries. I have anxiety. I feel pressured. I feel humiliated. I feel terrible. I am imperfect.

And I ask you God, to wash away my sins. I want to come back to You. I want to be beside You, holding Your hand, knowing that I am safe with Your loving heart.

Please take my broken heart and heal it. Please cleanse my soul. Please sooth my troubled mind.

Because I need You, I truly do.

Amen.

I Am Forever Yours, Only Yours.

Thank you God,

For allowing me to see this beautiful sunset.

For making my heart warm

As I watch the sky turns from orange to a dark hue of blue.

 

You know exactly that this is one of the things

That gives me comfort.

 

Thank you God,

For always making me feel like I’m home.

I’ve been through so much darkness

At this very young age.

But You’re there

To give light to my way.

 

You’re there to make me realize

That you have better plans for me.

You’re always there to remind me

That I am exactly where I need to be.

 

Thank you God

For all the conversations we have,

For speaking through my heart,

For guiding me to the right path.

 

Thank you God

For helping me to see the beauty in present,

For guiding me to live my life

Not one step backwards

Neither one step forward,

And to simply be happy.

 

I can’t physically feel You wipe my tears,

But I know that you wash them away

With Your love.

 

And that is why I’m never going to stop thanking You.

On My Way Home

When I look at the moon,
I no longer see the one I don’t have.
I no longer wish that someone is by my side.
When I look at the moon,
I see God.
I see the One who strengthens me.

He calls to me.
On my darkest time.
He calls to me.
To let go.
Let go of my brokenness
Let go of my pain
Let go of everything.

He speaks to my heart.
And tells me
“What have you worked hard for
That I didn’t give?”
He speaks to my heart
And I cried
Because I’m overwhelmed
I cried
God is great.

He calls to me
To find my way back home
To come to Him
And let Him lead my way
As always.

3 February 2017| Friday| 10:01 pm

You Are Too Late

You are too late to come running back in my life after you left me without warning, and after I spent several nights tossing around my bed while I think of all the possible reasons why you walked away.

You are too late to apologize because there is no more us, after you abandoned me like it was no big deal. I was an idiot for wishing you would re-appear in my life — but you did not.

You are too late to say “please” because I have dried my tears out.

You are too late for a second chance because I have moved on.

You are too late to reply to the voice mails I sent you with begging questions as to why you ended our relationship without any explanation.

I was rooting for you to change your mind and tell me it was just a joke, a big prank, a part of your plan to surprise me on taking our relationship to the next level.

But I was wrong.

You were cruel.

You are too late to cry and kneel in front of me because I sobbed a greater amount of tears than you do; I spent more hours lying on the cold floor feeling miserable.

You are too late.

Stop pretending that you’re sorry when you can’t even look me in the eyes. Stop saying you understand me when you don’t even care to ask how much agitation you have caused me. Stop acting like I’m going to welcome you again in my life when it’s crystal clear that you have no more spot in my heart.

No. You are too late.

You can’t go back in my life and have me ruined twice. I can’t afford another pain. I don’t want to be lost in my own thoughts again all because of you. I can’t let you in anymore because honestly, I’m going to lose my mind if I will allow you to have the privilege of hurting me again.

You are too late to fix me because I have already saved myself. You weren’t there when I felt lonely and had no one to rely my destructive thoughts and feelings.

You are too late to comfort me because I have already convinced myself to be strong. You weren’t there when I had a shitty day and needed someone to soothe me.

You are too late to give me sunshine because I have already given myself rainbows after the stormy weather you brought in my life. You were the cause of my depression and triggered my anxiety.

How dare you assume I’m happy that you finally show up?

I am done depending my happiness on you.

I am done thinking you’re the only one who rescues me.

I am done sacrificing my schedule to suit your time.

I am done tidying the confusion you whirl in my mind

You are too late to love me again because I have nothing to offer to you anymore. You are too late to make me remember the feelings we used to have because I lost my special connections with you already. You are too late to miss me because when I look at you, I see a stranger rather than a person I have a longing for. You are too late to admit you’re guilty and you’re wrong because there’s no more us; we are done.

And it’s just too late rebuild the relationship that I no longer care anymore.